Missing Him
Well it finally happened– I saw Castaway. Man, I thought that I would hate that movie but it was SO GOOD! I’m just in awe of the whole entire thing… because it was just amazing. There is no other way to describe it except the way that I described it to Brian: “Rivetting…”!
From what I understand though, that was the only good thing that happened in my family last night. My parents are stil together 🙂 Woo-hoo! Although, when my mom started to tell me what she did I got that feeling in the pit of my stomach that I get when I think she’s gonna tell me something is wrong and I’m gonna hafta pretend like everything is okay. That feeling sucks. And people are gonna say “You don’t hafta pretend that everything is okay.” And I can just go tell them to shove it up there ass because that’s what I do.
I sit there and read “Send Me Down a Miracle” by Han Nolan like I did during the winter of ’99 when my dad allegedly went hunting on his own and told mom he was going with mike. I dont’ know what to believe. Because, my dads clothes looked like they do when he had been hunting but I don’t know. And the truth is— I’d rather not know.
Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if my parents told us what Brian’s parents told him… “We’re just having some major problems” but then I doubt I would want that either. I’d probably be more fucked up now if they had told me not. But who knows, maybe Colby and I wouldn’t have made out in my basement on the Cursed Day of Lies. Maybe I could’ve found out who I was before I went and made these three guys wait for me.
Because it’s not fair to any of them. And I HATE MYSELF because of what I did to Gabe. I suppose he did hurt me a lot of the time too…but still, it’s just I mean– I kissed Colby. I could’ve screwed Kevin and Gabe wouldn’t have cared as much. But ya know, I really do love Colby, and at the time I didn’t love him but I was honestly attracted to him in an emotional/physical way and there was such a major connection going on that both of us could feel it. So I wasn’t using Colby to get back at Gabe at all. I just kind of fell for Colby and there was nothing anyone could do about it. Because the turth is– Colby is an awesome guy. and like I said yesterday- he does make me so happy.
Oh gosh! I just typed the date on this thing and… it’s February 11th. I think that I could cry. Ya know what happened last Feb. 11??? I found out Gabe liked me. One year ago all of this shit started. Dammit… I can’t take this… I need to go talk to someone because it’s just a rough day now, and I forgot. Shit…I hafta survive this without Colby.