Sleepless Night
Yes, it’s a sleepless night to be followed by a dayless sleep. The cycle repeats itself. But this time I didn’t even have an excuse for not being tired… i did not eat all the coffee icecream like last time. Who know what it is?
Maybe it’s what Brian said. We were talking about the time I almost killed myself and he said “Don’t ever think like that again…if not to keep from killing yourself then because if you were gone a part of me would die.” Isn’t that so cool?
The time I was gonna kill myself was a bad experience. Of course, how could it not be? I had been home alone all day the time that my dad was in the hospital and I was SO depressed. I just couldn’t kick it and this was before the Prozac…even though that shit doesn’t work at all. I think I’d do better on a sugar pill. Got an appointment with my physician this week though so we’ll see how things go.
anyways…i got out my motrin and counted them…then I set a time and i don’t remember when it was it was after 5 sometime and I said that if my mom didn’t call back and say that Gabe could come over by that time i would kill myself… actually I wasn’t going to kill myself… just attempt to. As i was saying… It was getting very close to that time and I started to pace around the dining room debating on whether or not to get to the liquor cabinet so i could be “ready”. Finally, the phone rang. and gabe could come over.
So then I decided that if he didn’t get there by 6:15 I would kill myself. and i wanted him and his mom to find me. It couldn’t be my mom it had to be him and his… so I decided how I would do that if it got to be 6:15. My mind was torn between collapsing into the street or just lying there in the yard. Cuz i wanted the road just for affect but then…what if they couldn’t stop in time and I actually died?!?!?!? So it got to 6:12 and they pulled in. THREE MINUTES BEFORE!!!!!
SO i didn’t kill myself. And that’s a GOOD THING!!! But see the thing was that i really didn’t want to die. i just wanted to see what the affect of my death would be. Because I didn’t think anyone would really care. I’d be like that “quiet girl that carries the packages.” in WHAT WOMEN WANT (—gay ass movie! DOn’t see it!) ya know. I wanted to know if anyone would care at all. Now i know people would because Sarah and Ali and them watch out for me. I don’t know how much Gabe would’ve cared though
I think that me wanting to do that where he would find me is sort of symbolic because I really felt neglected by him. and i was mad at his mom because she wasn’t going to let him come over and she didn’t understand how much I needed him there at the time. I had kept myself alive all day merely over the thought of getting to see him that night, and then…when I thought I wasn’t going to get to my brain went haywire… it was this uncontrolled thing i started sobbing hysterically and I couldn’t function because I needed someone there…anyone there.
And THAT is a horrible state of mind to be in. I don’t think many people really truly understand how it feels. It’s kind of like the feeling I get when my brother tries to get my parents to take the computer out of my room or when they get mad and want to take the internet away. It’s like I hafta find something that makes me happy and being online where I can talk to all of my friends calms me. i hate it when they try to take this away from me. It’s like they are putting the gun in my mouth because this is my life-source when Colby, Brian, and Josh are gone.
I don’t know why Josh and I have gotten so close all of a sudden. I guess we just kind of started talking and like we’re very alike… the only difference is he is the way he is and is shunned for it and I am the way he is and no one knows because I hide sort of because I don’t think I hide, I just don’t know who I am. but like I said in the song I wrote today “when you knock i’ll open the door because you’re teaching me what that damn handle is for”<-that’s about COLBY by the way… the lyric is kind of summing up the way slowly, my REAL friends are showing me who I am. It’s really cool of them. Well, I”m gonna go attempt to sleep now. Loves and kisses