Unemployed Boyfriend
My problem with that song has officially moved into a class A obsession. Someone call the FBI because I can’t stop listening to my favorite song, it’s all I do– and I”m not lying. Honestly between worrying and cussing out baseball I do nothing but listen to the song “Unemployed Boyfriend” by Everclear. So many times I totally wish that a guy would just come up to me and say that and not be lying but the truth is– every guy you could ever meet has some flaw somewhere.
No matter how any man seems, he always has that one thing that makes you just want to kill him, and it’ll start out being the cute things that you love about him turning into the retarded things you hate about him, and the things you like so much become the things you despise. It’s like… I dunno… I’ve kind of sunk back into my confusion, but only slightly.
It’s as though I won’t allow myself to admit what I want, and I won’t let myself see the good and the bad in everyone. Ya know, because Gabe has ZERO appreciation for music, but can express himself when he is upset. Colby has this great music thing going on and can express himself through songs but sometimes it’s what you say out of rhyme that really matters. Then there’s Brian, whom I do not know well enough to judge one way or the other, yet from the day we met we’ve always agreed on stuff and I would hate to mess that up. I really really care about him because he’s an awesome person.
From what I hear, he really likes me a whole whole lot and stuff- I heard this from Billy which is another story- and anyways, so he likes me a whole lot and I used to like him but there is no way that things would ever even kind of work between us until we can both drive. Other than that though, we seemed for awhile like we were leading parallel lives but in the reality of everything- he knows billy, which is extremely upsetting because he loses his confedentiality clause and all of that stuff because he has a connection. And I can NOT believe that Billy said I should go out with Brian, i mean— he KNOWS that I’m going out with Colby! And I am sincerely happy being with Colby.
Sometimes though- and no body take this the wrong way- I kind of feel like me and Colby are starting to fall into the trap that him and Michelle and Me and Gabe were in- ya know? It’s like totally just a sexual thing and we don’t even hear each other when we talk anymore. I dunno, maybe it’s all me because I don’t know if this is what he’s feeling at all, but I wish there was just some way to get this crap overwith- because back before it started to get all sexual, man, it was awesome! I was basically the happiest I have been in a while.
Ya know what I hate about guys??? They are only truly expressive when you hurt them. The only time they are REALLY TRULY HONESTLY who they are inside is when they have tears rolling down their faces and I don’t like to make them be like that but it’s like… after you hurt them… after they are gone… after you can’t see them again… suddenly they are willing to open up. People keep so much shit from each other in relationships because the other member of the relationship always gets all freaked out when the other person says the whole “We need to talk” thing.
I read the 4 entries in Colby’s on-line diary today that were about Michelle and he wrote a letter in there to her that was actually just a note that he had actually given her, but he was so incredible expressive and I wish that we just had times like that again where we totally opened up to each other and it wasn’t this sexually exasterbated relationship that no one really needs. People say that sex is all good and stuff but the actuallity of it is — it ruins stuff. I feel like it’s really messing up a good thing. But I don’t know what to do about it.