jess wuz here
january
colby was saying i love you again
and there was bj that kept saying it from the year before
and the one i wanted, brian, knew just how to look into my eyes
so decisions had to be made
and after a five hour wait, the list was posted
i couldn’t keep returning your words
with so many lies, and glossy eyes
so i said it back, confidently: i love you.
school was back in session
time to roll again,
i was ready to hate forensics,
but that’s just me…
i got to see the girl from november
and didn’t understand what katie had meant
sarah isn’t less pretty than katie
in fact not at all,
unless you’re basing your opinion
as compared to a horse
the resemblence is uncanny.
february
the season was beginning
and the month started off with a dance.
wow. what a night,
i saw my exboyfriends, dancing dancing
but i didn’t notice them,
the picture was in blurred focus
and there was brian.
my heart beated for him
and thus we began.
flowers are fun to carry by exboyfriends on v-day
forensics went well, turns out i like it
but i would never tell it as much
and we had a good time: hanging out in StuCon
with cute boys, named Dan
the liberal kind with curly hair
and don’t you dare tell 🙂
i broke for the first time
and jumped up and down
arthur nersesian is scary-old-guy-crush-of-the-month preceeded by john nash
i started writing poetry
and talking more to madeline
she slowly crept into my notebooks
during boring stucon sessions
and later got posted.
what if all of my yous were more whats than whos?
being online became a chore
and all of my layouts were her-inspired
march
happy one month
qualify to nationals, get yelled at for misholding a fork
my mother is truly crazy, but that’s okay
and i got to hold Brian’s hand under the table.
it felt okay when he was there
but i was scared
i’m always scared
one day on the internet,
library-boy was signed in
and asked to take me out to lunch
i agreed, what’s the harm in a free meal?
he picked me up on sunday and took me to ruby tuesday’s
i had a vegetarian suicide, but it wasn’t that time
he dropped me off at home
and my boyfriend picked me up for dinner
it was nothing more than a simple lunch with a friend, so far.
april
they say that april showers bring may flowers
but my flowers didn’t blossom until june
on the sixth Jerrad took me to a concert
we left early for food,
it was his idea &he wasn’t hungry
cherry limeaids are super yummy
at morse and topeka blvd. off of his cold lips
but the guilt in my stomach kept me up all night
KU dropped in the final four the next night
i watched it on brian’s lap and realized it was better not to tell.
the stress of that game was enough for one year.
the thirteenth brian went to prom.
i sat at home jealous
and jerrad came over–we watched ghostworld
what a wonderful movie
but i didn’t figure that out until I watched it again the next day
I don’t understand how I can be so unremorseful sometimes
I guess it was just who I was
and that’s terrible but it happens.
the twentieth was quals for nfl
i got into outs and dropped on a 1-7-7
this turned into the blog war and Molly and I quit talking
it was for the best,
it’s not like we ever listened anyways.
just waited for our turn to talk
i was heartbroken after the tournament, cried the whole way home
i wrecked my car in the school parking lot,
it wasn’t horrible.
that night I was scheduled to go to WWF with Jerrad,
thus we did: it was great,
got to watch some real live sports entertainment
and Jerrad and I enjoyed it equally.
the twenty-seventh was prom at Jerrad’s school
I was invited to go and again I did.
I had declared myself vegetarian a week and a half prior
this girl ate ceasar salad at the steak house
it was good salad
next was prom, no dancing. just prom.
post-prom, pre-afterprom was spent at chris owen’s house
he tried to get me naked, it didn’t work
he asked to get me stoned
he wasn’t serious, i said no.
we just looked at porn instead.
afterprom: i start hanging around with greg and phil
i didn’t know that either of them thought i was worth anything
of course i didn’t think i was worth anything either
jerrad spends the night after prom 😉
it was so late/early, the walk to the car seemed like miles
no one walked out there,
sleep sleep sleep.
may
allison and i had been getting close again in human anatomy
i still love that girl to pieces
but i guess i’ll never stop, no matter what
and i really hope she knows that
she knows all about Jerrad/Brian
she thinks that I should have a good time
I agree. Then continue to do strange things to our pig.
Switzky calls me one sick girl;
i call him one boring teacher.
(i hadn’t had figgs yet)
sarah introduces me to jarod
she says he just wants an emo girl to cuddle with
i say that I’m with Brian
she says she knew that already
I spend a good two hours on the internet with Jarod
get a crush, always have a crush after the first night
i don’t linger on it
everything is static
my mom’s uncle has a heart attack
my cousin leaves her husband for another man
we put my dog to sleep
all in one week.
nationals
i leave for Pittsburgh (the one with the h)
mckeithan, kandy, joey, carrie, me, joe, bj
rock, i’m determined to have a good time there
fuck everyone back home
five days to spend there.
i spend the first night in the hotel lobby
bj sits there being bitter about me (crazy boy)
carrie is the funniest girl i’ve ever met
keeps dissing on boy
she is the manifestation of my exgirlfriend-ness
after dinner the first night, we meet cute brendan in the lobby
we talk for 2 mintues,
then carrie and i sit down and watch him
creepy 🙂
we meet a boy named daniel and his policy colleague, matt
daniel, matt, carrie, and I spend a few hours talking
daniel later brings me chomsky
and we go to sleep.
the next day, we wander around pittsburgh
starting out at starbucks
i get a few cds at edie’s
it’s a great place, go there if you live in the area
and we just have a good time
although we don’t really do anyting
we drop carrie off at the hotel (headache)
and joey, bj, joe, and I head off to a museam in oakland
some lady swore it was in walking distance
the boys and I walk for one hour and 15 minutes through the ghetto-o-o-es in the heat
we were unhappy campers
the boys later said they thought i was going to die
if someone had tried to kill us,
i would’ve been our best bet at protection
i thought i was going to die too.
I got to see my first dinosaur that day
it was beautiful, i took pictures
the heat had made me delirious
i keep giggling at the museam
that night there is a baseball game
we go, i get to see darryl kile pitch
that was historical,
cuz he died a month or so later
he lost that game. hm.
before the game it’s raining
i had a bookbag and they wouldn’t let me in
kandy puts the bookbag under her shirt
we go in through a different gate
i am forever indebted to kandy
she’s my hero.
i start crying at the game
because of everything
carrie follows me into the bathroom
we go back out, i claim emo-ness
post-game is spent in the hotel hallway with daniel
we spend over an hour out there
he’s a fun guy,
one of my favorite vegetarians
(heart)
competition is the next day!
competition is competition
i find someone to switch sandwiches with me
he was a nice guy, don’t know his name
competition day 1 marks the end of my competition
had a kick-ass time though
started saying soda instead of pop after a conversation with some new yorkers
dance dance dance dance
i convince joe to watch outs with me.
that is, i convince him to go for octos instead of quarters
because I want to watch daniel debate
we watch the round, the round is shitty
but daniel was a great speaker
and i was in love (with his hair).
i call brian after that round
he isn’t home or isn’t answering
i see molly after that round
i pretend not to
daniel says i talk about her like she’s one of my exboyfriends
he is probably right.
june
mom says that i have to get a job
I pull off 2
one at falley’s and the other at the community center
jennifer and I teach at the community center
kids are scary, but i get over it
brian and i spend all of our time together
and i am truly faithful to him
i don’t even care about other guys
i break things off with Jerrad
our fling had to end sometime
july
i wreck my car again
this time it’s worse
i cut myself again
brian comes to my rescue and takes me to SL
we get there and he has to vaccuum
he does.
i say “brian i cut myself again”
he looks at me and asks “what?”
I say “i cut again.”
he stops the vaccuum
“what?”
he looks into my eyes
“i cut again” this time i say it and i start crying
he holds me and lets me cry
he tries everything to understand
and he’s wonderful
i love him
warped tour is coming up
i go to the vans website and read the list of bands
i decide that it is my destiny to go
miraculously sarah calls: “we’re going to warped tour,
but i don’t think the other person i was going with can go.
will you go?”
I say yes, and i tell mom we’re having a girls day out
so we go to warped tour
wow. my first concert. wow.
we go to It’s a Beautiful Day in KC after we pick up the other Sarah
warped tour is a hot rush of fun
i see a lot of people i know
lacey and steph are there with some other girls
i hang out with them for a few minutes
I see brad from forensics
i was standing all alone
he gives me an anti-flag drumstick
i sit with him, my “people” show up
i hung out with phil for a while that day too
see taylor, colbs, sarah, leanna
time of my life
barely escape a grounding,
mom and dad don’t find out
brian and i start having sex.
it was good sex
scratch that, it was great
but i later say it was too short
truth is it takes me like .5 seconds to orgasm
so it was totally long enough
i go out one night with Sarah, Tom, and Andy
we see the borne identity (yum yum)
andy is a real cool guy
a few nights later i spend the night with all of them
andy sees me in my panties
stab my eyes out with a fork, cuz it doesn’t get any better than that
august
get ready for school
trip to Lawrence
we’re at ATC and Madeline leaves a message
i start calling her back
we hang out once on a weekend
she was really stoned
but i was just wandering aimlessly around the mall anyways
go back to school
miss brian
quit falley’s
start capital-journal
slow community center job from 5 times a week to 1 time a month
september
brian goes out with janelle one night
the guilt of being with jerrad starts to eat away at me
i spend a night tossing and turning
i feel like i owe it to him to tell him
i know it won’t work out
i hope he’ll understand
he calls the next day and i tell him
the next week he has sex with me, three times
we had quit having sex on the second of august
the next week he breaks up with me
i tell my mom about he and i having sex
i also tell her i’m a lesbian
she gets really pissed off
this ruins our relationship at least through the end of the year
although she attemped to repair things later
I start seeing a shrink the next day
i really like janine a lot
she’s a cool person
october
when we were still a couple
i had promised phil that i’d give him dibs
when we broke up
so i called Phil
we just live too far apart though
it’s hard to get to see each other
Plus he used to date jeska
and i’m supposed to not return the favor.
grr.. women..
PJ and I start dating
we go to homecoming together and have a good time
er, i do. i still feel bad
i guess i kinda left him out and just had fun with the girls
madeline and i start talking more on the phone
we go out to the mall,
we listen to ani difranco on the way there
hearing ‘untouchable face’ with her there makes me nervous
i always listened to that song and thought about her
I talk to Jarod and tell him about brian
he says he’s sorry about what happened
and i say i just want someone to cuddle with
the next day jarod is at my house and we’re kissing
throughout the span of our all-to-short-lived relationship, i confide in him a lot
the next week, madeline reads a poem (number 28)
and asks if it’s about sarah
i tell her that it’s about her
she doesn’t really say anything
the next night we talk on the phone for 3 hours
yay!
on the 21st i go to see Dashboard Confession with adam schreiner
Madsee and I kiss at said show
Molly, you know the one from march/may slash Madeline’s sister sees us
she runs away, madeline freaks out
i freak out
but i knew i was gonna cry through the dash set anyway
november
PJ and I stop dating
it just wasnt’ working out
our relationship hasn’t been as fun since,
which pisses me off cuz i love the kid
but i suppose it happens and it could get better
madeline and i keep dating and things go well
i start talking more with this boy named erik that josh introduced to me
we have the same interests and views
we really “click” so to speak
i don’t remember how or when it happened
But it seems like i can’t go a day without missing him so much
at least talking to him helps it a little
when i go back to seattle, i’m definitely going to see him
i think i’ll start saving for the ticket now
“i need to do a campus visit”
jarod and i quit dating too.
i say that it’s because of his use of pot,
and his tendency to be pushy when he’s on pot
but it’s probably just how close i let him get to me
i always get so scared
me and my fucking complexes issues
decembermadeline and i date still
i like her a lot
she’s a real cool girl
i got to hang out with sarah more
she’s great too
underview
so i guess i made it.
and maybe next year will be better
this time next year i’ll be getting ready to move out
yikes
it’s never going to get here soon enough