what to say
your suicide calls leave me scared and breathless and i don’t know what to say to you because i was trained by a master of suicide threats how to respond to make it stop make it stop i can beg for you to live and i can mean it but don’t fucking do it again or i’ll stop meaning it and i’ll lose compassion and you think i fucking hate myself now, just wait. you’re difficult when you’re angry and even when i understand i want to do nothing but take you in my arms and hold you until it all feels better. there is nothing about you that i wouldn’t want to keep around. you love me when i’m crazy and i’m crazy crazy all the time and out of obligation out of always having to say i’m sorry out of desire to be with someone i don’t stay around. instead i leave and i break down. because you are like good meat and i will know i’m a failure without you and then i’ll realize it a week later because its all just fucking psychosomatic. why can’t i think without underlying thoughts?