dag nasty and dancing

i saw p-money at the mall today (and just about everyone else while we were out) it was nice. i was afraid the boy had ran away and that i wouldn’t see him ever again and what would i do without phil. anyway i saw him and about started crying and steph knew so we walked out to her car and saw tommy’s car and i was gonna leave a note for him and then decided that i needed to go inside to talk to him and i did and i decided that some people are just going to be cold and there’s nothing you can do about it. i think a lot of people are guilty of just blaming everyone else for their problems. i understand that i’m at least partially responsible for some of my character flaws. i also know that i have other factors that figure in on how i act and i hate it when people don’t look at things from my side. its just like because i’m the one that put an end to things i’m automatically the bad one. and i’ve almost accepted the fact that i’m a terrible person and so i accept blame about 95% of the time without even considering that there were factors that were completely valid that went into my decisions. curse curse curse. mumble mumble mumble. i don’t know. i’m just tired of justifying or feeling guilty for decisions that i have made in the past. sometimes, it just has to be done. i guess from the same aspect though, i’m bad about realizing what he may or may not have had to do.

lately i’m really scared that i’m going to lose people. i mean, there are some people that i see mostly just at school but i know they won’t go away. like josh. what would i do without that kid? but i’m sure he’ll still hang around after highschool. tormenting me with his conservativism. but like amy. she’s been in my life for all of my school career and she’ll just suddenly be gone. which is really sad. what if i DON’T see her around? then what. she’s just such a good influence and a good person and i think i need those kind of people in my life. maybe i shouldn’t worry because there will be more but i don’t know. she used to be my best friend and we hardly ever talk anymore and that bothers me. (but what am i doing about it? blogging.) i think phil’s moving to seattle is what really started this. its like now that i’m not forced to be in the system (or soon i won’t be) i have to actually make an honest effort to keep track of people and i’m afraid i won’t. i’m too irresponsible and selfish to keep in touch. so that’s my goal. keeping in touch.

i think i’m about blogged out. i just need to let it all settle for a while. so i’ll talk about frivolous things like movies. but this isn’t a bad one. its actually one that made me think alot. later, you can expect an analysis of my viewing of bowling for columbine and why i love steph and lacey. but right now. i need to run away for a while.

• Category: Journal