pretty girls make graves
i spent the weekend debating or with thomas. proved to be bad and good. on the way to emporia i talked to kandy about everything and she mostly made fun of me and made me turn red a lot, but in that good way. hah. anyway. we just talked a lot and then on the way back i wanted to get to topeka fast and we didn’t get here till like 8:30 so i went to thomas’s house and we watched rushmore which is such a hilarious movie. i love it to bits.
i got home kinda late.. a little after curfew cos mom wouldn’t answer the phone and i needed to pick up devon but i didn’t know where he was or if i really needed to pick him up so then i just came home & went to sleep. i woke up at 5:30 or so for the tournament and went to the school and then the tournament (long drive) and ended up 0-5 for the weekend. i hated it. nothing has upset me more than that and until rafferty, or all people, said something that was relayed to me and cheered me up i really just wanted to hide and cry because if feel like such a failure and i hve to just keep telling myself i don’t suck but i’m so terrified that its me that’s bad. i don’t know. maybe it is. i was just so.. :'( and i still am when i really think about it.
after the tournament we had steak with bill and went hot-tubbing which was fun except i think i was more cooked than the steak and it meant that i had to sleep on wet hair (= wet pillows) that night. i was SO tired i was incoherent by the time i was laying down. i had a good time, the steak was yummiful and bill was fun. it just sucks that i have a curfew thats like 11:30. oh well. next year = no curfew at all and i can handle waiting.
this morning i went to church, which is a whole seperate entry i think but i’m going to put it in this one just because its the weekend story entry. so i went to church with thomas and for the most part didn’t suffer from any huge “oh gosh i don’t fit in here” moments.. the only thing that was weird was communion. because i kind of have a tradition of not taking communion because i just don’t think i should until i know where my place in the whole “god” thing is. and i don’t know what that is right now so trying to force myself to fit into it or to “taint” the system by participating in a ritual like that would be fairly hypocritical and i just don’t think that i’m where i should be in my life to take part in communion. so that was alright. although i freaked out before communion. that whole “what am i going to do, should i take it? i wouldnt’ take it in a catholic church.. why would i take it here? i just don’t know. what if i have to what if people look at me funny what if what if what if” and then when it came around i just didn’t and no one really seemed to look at me funny but i still thought that perhaps i should have justified myself. i guess as long as i’m comfortable and sure of what/why i didn’t take it then its okay that i didn’t. and i don’t feel bad about not taking it and i think i would feel bad or at least weird if i did.
after church we went to lunch which was yummy (although i was forced to drink pepsi. blechkhjf.)
post-lunch/church i went to a meeting for youth court plea bargains and was an hour early so i went to pts and had some cappuccino, yummy. the meeting itself took like 20 minutes which was nice cos i got to get devon and get home. yay for home!
i’ve been here ever since. i told madeline about thomas tonight. and then i’ve been listening to old mp3s and being sad mostly kind of. because its just hard. and i care about her so much and i love her so much but i just don’t think us being together is going to work right now. i resent her for making me promise to stay and then leaving. and i think i would hold it all against her for a while. and a few weeks ago when i told her i wanted to work things out and she said that she didn’t think that we could i gave up.
i think i’ve been pretty bipolar this weekend. in the teenager, not the mental disorder, way.
(and add too!) i heard from baker. that rox0r3d. i got a new s/n too. x 3m0 ch1x0r so im me there from now on (aim). i like it cos 1337 is sooo funny.