its a snow day
i’ve felt shitty all day. like i just want to cry. in fact, i spent most of second hour (debate) in tears. mckeithan was nice about it though. it wasn’t his fault i’m just so frustrated and i’ve been bottling it up all season. i actually WANT forensics to start. i just hate it feeling so helpless all the time. my BESt records are 2-3 and 1-4 right now. (fvck).
i got home to find out that ku doesn’t have my transcript yet which turned out to be okay because scholarship deadline isn’t until february 15 which is good because if i didn’t get that in and didn’t get any scholarships and didn’t get any money then i wouldn’t get to go to ku. not that i know where the hell i wanna go anyway.. right now i just want to live to see next week. (or the weekend, which should be good.)
i hate how manicdepressive i can be. i really really need to take my medication and be good about doing it. that’s my november resolution. cos i can go alright for a few weeks without it and then i’m all moodswings and headaches, dizzy spells and etc. it bites. yesterday i was manic to the point that i couldn’t sleep and then the anxiety took over and then i was sad and then i woke up this morning sad and i’ve been sad all day. riley gave me some chocolate though and that cheered me up. rock the fuck on. i got coke from mcdonalds too.. and told robert that i love him through the mcdonalds drive through window.. hahahahah. today he said something exactly like my brother would say and i thought it was funny because they are sooo alike. its creepy.
on the bright side, i got my calc done almost completely (less #53) in class today, i have my stories completely finished and layout isnt even until a few weeks from now, and uher. oh yah, its beautiful outside. all rain and clouds and sky and fall trees. maybe i’ll webcam it. its just so. polaroid.
2 Replies to “its a snow day”
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greg reminded me of math day last year. im having a hard time pretending im not dying from knowing you…youre out there and im in here, and….fuck. i dont ever know what im trying to say. i miss you and what the hell….i dont even exist to you. there is no time for me, for you, ever, is there? just the others. sadness.
i’m computer illiterate and cannot post a blog so here goes what i have to say i hope the whole world reads this
this is a letter i might write
to give to you
but you may never see who really knows what god has in store for me right nwo i want to die i sit with a knife in hand but thats only drama and a flare imagined i am so sick right now i can barely stand myself from the first day i saw you i thought i loved you and i fell to hard for you but now i cannot be becaus you are gone i dreamt of us together but that is so wrong something corporate playing background noise now i can barely bring myself to hear the notes again i wont make you because i want to be with you eleven elven only brings bad luck i wish i never ever had wished on such an ugly time i have cried so much i cannot cry anymore my eyes; red puffy and swollen much like my soul i hope she hurts you but that is only jealousy i’ll be fine you made me feel again i finally opened up but now i can close back down again because dammit i loved you