dream sequence

okay. i had a weird dream last night that i’m going to go ahead and write down what i remember about it. i was hanging out with ***, this girl i know. and we were walking around my house and mom didn’t know that she and i were together but we were (apparently) and we kinda held hands when we were walking in the halls and stuff and then we were in mom and dad’s bedroom sitting on the bed and just talking and all of a sudden i kissed her. it was short and close-mouthed but it was really weird. cos she’s not anyone i ever have or ever will have feelings for (straight girl) but i really don’t know what it was all about. i think that it was because she’s kinda someone i’ve just recently gotten close to and she’s like an example to me. maybe i kind of want to be like her, though not really. also i’m pretty sure she fits into a good example of other relationship storylines i’ve been dealing with lately. i guess i understand it more now but it was still really weird.

i thought about it today in english when we were talking about dreams and what they mean. i thought about that dream right away because it obviously didn’t just mean whatever like some dreams too.. it had symbolic representation in my life. but then i thought about all of the dreams i’ve had about clayton (lets just group them all together…argh) and i realized that maybe i just thought that because he was the one that always held me in my dreams that he would be the best person to hold me in real life. (big epiphany. right there in english) but then i realized that that probably isn’t true. because the truth is that i don’t usually have dreams that just mean nothing. they’re usually big and weighed by whats on my mind. while it should be said that i don’t usually have 5 dreams in a row about the same person.. i think that there were things that were on my mind at that time and stuff. like i just want someone to be there. but i also (post the girly-girl comment and analyzing what he said and how he was right about a lot of things) i came to the conclusion that person isn’t going to be him. instead, i should just realize what i do have with him .. he’s a great guy, a great friend, and he’s one of the few males in my life (erik’s one too) that i can talk to about my relationships and feel like he provides some insight into what the other person might be thinking. so that’s what i want right now. even if it took a chamberlain discussion for me to finally get it.. i’ve got it now. (what i got was why it didn’t upset me as much as i thought it might)

• Category: Journal