dead!
my laptop is currently awol. i don’t know what its problem is but i do believe that it will have to be sent back to hp to get fixed. this sux0rz really really bad. i think i’d be alright (the desktop is working) except that the thing has my essay for chamberlain on it and my second chances are never half as good. suck. that’s all it is.
my mood has been far from stable this week. i’ve mostly just been really tired and in a sort of daze the whole time. i’m not really sure why that is.. just that it’s happened. it really isn’t cool.
case in point, tuesday: tuesday i spent my whole afternoon driving to best buy and wanting to die. i guess i didn’t want to die on the way there but really. i was just like “jess. die.” and that was it. now because i’m generally good at talking myself out of these things (what happens to the people you care about, what about erik, what about madeline, what happens when you’re dead and the college letters keep going to your parents and they have to deal with that, what about your brother, what about your life, what about your future, what about how stupid and immature that is. why are you acting this way?) now on that particular daymy psyche was counteracting with “wtf, shut up.” and that’s not cool but i ended up deciding that i should give it another day or 9 and then talk about it with someone if i haven’t gotten better.
wednesday: i was walking out of the school (well down the west hall) and i talked about our math assignment with mrs. manning and i talked to lacey about the student concert and i had just finished talking to mrs. chamberlain about books and how great they are and then i walked by riley’s room and saw all of our decorations and realized that i have really amazing teachers and that it can really only get better from there.. my life is totally worth living and i think that i really have always known that. sometimes i just forget. i got to the west work room and was like “fuck jess, what if you were gone and didn’t have this.” and realiuzed i should quit being so damned self-centered all the time and think about how i can benefit other people. its hard to not see my impacts you know. its just.. meh. life. it sucks sometimes. but sometimes its really good.
like speeding down the highway at 10 under the speedlimit because i’m so busy trying to decide which of many was the happiest moment of my life to get to the point where i remember to press the gas. that’s something that makes everything worth it.
i visited creighton yesterday. i love it. maybe i’ll write more about that later. right now its just important that i want to go there REALLLLLLLLLLLLLLY bad. (tooooooooooootally)