exit music (for a film)
i just found out that this girl that i knew died in a car accident yesterday afternoon. she was a debator at jeff west, the other high school mckiethan coaches. i was in french class and jamie and sara said that a girl they worked with was in a car accident and died and that it was tim rassmusson’s girlfriend.. i asked who she was and they said “michelle.. trax..” and i was like “traxler? oh god.” and then i just stood there stunned for a really long time. i don’t know her that well but we travel together to state and stuff and she was going to be going to that in january. and i know that mckeithan knows all of those kids about as well as he knows all of us and so i’m worried about him cos that is an incredibly terrible thing to go through. and its hard for me and i didn’t know her that well. anyway i just started crying in riley’s class as soon as i found about it (well, after the shock wore off) and then i got all of my stuff ready and went to the counselors where i cried for a while and then decided that i should go home. i called dad and told him he just needed to come get me and that i would explain what was wrong when he got there so he came up to the school and i told him what happened on the way home. its all over the news.. which i think is the worst part.. because she’s just “meriden girl age 17 dies..” blah blah and she’s not just a meriden girl.. she was a debator too. and she was really nice. like she’s one of the two jeff west people i actually like to be around and the only one that i could handle being around for more than a few minutes. i don’t know. its just.. so weird. and i think that a lot of the problem is that it makes me mortal. and i feel really guilty. like why should i eat when she can’t and why should i cry when she can’t and why should i smile and why should i do anything. i just want to lie there and hope that its all a bad dream. like maybe i can wake up and it won’t be real. but at the same time i know that it is real and there isn’t anything i can do to change it. its just so.. arhg. i don’t know what to do about it. or about how i feel. i think i might try to call kandy cos she knew her and understands me a little. until then i’m just waiting i guess until i feel better.. but honestly. its just so hard to deal with and i don’t know what to do or what to do with myself and i feel even worse for all of the people at her school that knew her well and trying to deal with that. i really don’t like death. especially when people around me die. i’m not really afraid of my own death but when people i know are dying around me its scary. like it could happen to someone really close to me at any time. i don’t know. and after the dog it feels like everything is dying this week.
i’m going to go cry some more. if someone reads this and would like to call because i really really really need someone to talk to right now.. go ahead.. if you have the number.
2 Replies to “exit music (for a film)”
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im in school. else id call. im sorry, jess. death is scary, but its a part of life, of everyones life. itll get easier for you with time, i hope. i love you, jess, in whatever way i can.
I understand. I knew her kinda well. We spent the weekend before she died together. The stuff you wrote about feeling guilty is like the stuff I wrote in my entries on my diary. (dadeX) Glad to know that I’m not the only person at this school who thinks about this still.