this isn't it
the world is crazy. i just don’t know what to do with it. i’ve been hit with so much shit this year. all stuff that’s true of the world, not just high school. there’s so much dying, and so many people that need help. i don’t know why all of the wonderful people that i know are having such a difficult time with their lives. really, she’s a great girl and she doesn’t desrver any of this. and sometimes i step outside and i look down and realize that everything that’s happening really is happening and i can’t change it. but i wish i could. i wish i could put everything into a little box for her that she could set down and free her hands and she wouldn’t have to hurt anymore. or i wish that people like that didn’t exist in the world in the first place. really. its just not fair. or maybe it is fair because theres retribution. and then it kills me that things like this happen and people get away with it. i hope that living with something like that is punishment enough but i know that he deserves much much worse. theres something about watching your friend walk into a counselor’s office and knowing there is nothing you can do by yourself to make things better for her that makes everything feel so damn meaningless. and i guess all you can do is pray. even though that seems silly and stupid sometimes. because i’ve always felt like my problems aren’t so big that god needs to handle them. but i’m totally sinking in. and i need someone there for me. but everytime i start to talk its like i realize how bad everything is for everyone else and i feel better about myself. i just don’t know what the problem is with me. i need to fix things. i want to make things better for everyone. i want so much from this world. and i’m finally at an age where i can start to work toward doing something about it and i’m fucking terrified. i have no idea what i’m doing half the time.
i’m going to take my friends and move to canada. and we’re gonna die of old age. (ani) at least i have this to help things along. and the friends i have really are phenomenal. especially kandy and lacey. i don’t know though. its just difficult. and i feel so insignificant. and i really wish that i could make things better. but maybe i just can’t right now. and maybe this will impact my life in a way that i will impact the lives of others positively. i’m sorry boys, i think i just became a feminist. why can’t every decent man and woman call themselves a femnist, out of respect(ani, again)