all of it
my uncle died on friday (suicide). it was mostly unexpected although i suppose that in retrospect i think that everything seems completely expected. its a weird situation. because in the last few years hed developed a severe problem with alcoholism and was hitting my aunt and i didn’t really think he should stay with her. and he’d threatened to kill both of them before and she wouldn’t leave him and i don’t know. it was just a bad situation. and i don’t really think i’m even sad he’s not alive anymore right now. i don’t know what to think. because in all honesty i think that people who abuse other people deserve the harshest punishment possible. and then he’s my uncle and he’s dead and he did it so disgustingly (they’ve said its like a final hoorah.) and then it makes me sad because he used to be a good person and now he’s dead and my only memories of him that are recent are of him being an asshole. and i just don’t know how to be anything but numb.
and i feel like everything is ugly in this world. like i hve to search hard for the beauty of it all. because it seems like every wonderful person i know has so many bad things happen to them. but maybe that’s what makes them a beautiful person. i don’t know. maybe its reviving out of the ashes all phoenix-esque. i’m just so numb and dead to everything. and madeline called and i couldn’t even talk to her. because she was something beautiful in the world and i can’t get past that. and i’m still not even at the point where i want to. maybe i could feasibly move on but i just.. what if she’s all there is? because thats how its felt for so long and she means so much to me and i just can’t rationalize that we just can’t be together right now because of other circumstance. even love gets hurt by the ugliness of the world and i don’t know how to fix it. or what to think about it. i’m just so sad.
i did get to meet my new cousins baby. isabella is so incredibly cute. she’s pretty. and she’s something beautiful and for whatever reason, even though i don’t like babies, she’s something beautiful in the world. and i just can’t stop smiling when i’m around her. she’s great.
the funeral is wednesday. if anyone has an antedote give me a call.
One Reply to “all of it”
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i know im not all that there is. and us not being able to be together doesnt make much sense, and i dont know what it is that keeps us apart, but. dont think that the ugly things out there make the beautiful ones mean less…if anything, they mean more. that i still love you, that even now i still remember all the times we giggled over silly things, the way the sky looked, all the smallest details of togetherness with you…the poetry is only perfected by the pain of seperation and it comforts me to know that in all the madness of this ugly world i found something worth fighting for in you, us, then. it makes me want to live, it makes me feel okay even when nothing does make sense and everythings dark and cruel. cos i know the world isnt ugly. because we are the world, and we make it beautiful. you make it beautiful. ah. such a long schpiel. rambly and perhaps redundant. girl, its important to me you know…i love you, and everything is going to work out for the best.