blanket
its like i don’t even know what to say when i look at this white screen and its just so damned intimidating. maybe tomorrow i’ll sit down and try to compose a poem about it at the funeral or something. i’m in such heavy denial. like its awful. cos i know it but i just can’t put 2 and 2 together. i never saw him much anyway and now hes gone and its just like he’ll be there next christmas. and i don’t remember much about anything. like hes just erased from my memories. and i don’t know whats normal or natural in dealing with this. i just know that its difficult for all of us. i guess my brother broke down tonight finally. i feel bad that i wasn’t here to talk to him. because i really wish i would’ve been. the little rat means soo much to me and i just wish he could’ve talked about it with me but i suppose that we’ll have plenty of time for that. i don’t know what to do or what the fuck i’m doing. i’m just coasting.
its like i’m driving and suddenly i realize i’m in neutral. its like one of those packages that comes with a seal that says “don’t open until xmas.”