rubyfruit

i just let her go. off the phone. and i told her i’d just go and she wouldn’t have to say goodbye because i know that she would if she knew how but she doesn’t know how and so i said “i love you goodbye” and then i hung up. and now my hearts just completely broken and i just want to crawl back into my bed and slit my wrists until everything feels numb because goddammit numb would feel better than this. but i can’t kill myself. and i feel like without her theres a part of me that’s dead. and this is not surviving. this is being a pussy and wussing out and i fucking hate myself. because i wasn’t going to hurt her again and i was going to be okay and we were going to be so happy and then i just fucked everything up. way to go jess.

i don’t really know why i’m doing this i just don’t know why i can’t just love her and not think about other people. but until i’m older i’m probably always going to do that, you know. and its sooo not fair to her. its not fair that i put her through all this shit.

i’m a fuckup. and everyone was right about me.

• Category: Journal