this is one thing i can't control
i took lacey out today because she was stressing major about the capcityclash but i’m sure that all of that is going to go off well. she’ll make it happen. i have so much faith in that girl. we went to the mall and tried on clothes then didn’t buy anything. and we went to pick up her necklace at kay’s and then we went to best buy and i bought some headphones so i can use my palm as an mp3 player. heart. i just got Rosie Thomas’ When We Were Small; it’s amazing. truly.
after the shopping adventures, we went to lola’s and had cheesecake and talked for a while then we invited j to come by and andy came and sat with us and this other girl whose name i don’t know too. it was a lot of fun. and um. alex from silver lake was there too. it was hardcore. i had a really good time and i drank my iced chai. and had cheesecake and felt genuinely at peace with the world.
i’m learning things about myself at college. like im learning that i miss out on a lot by not listening. so i’m trying to get better at that. not that i’m not a listener, just that i do this thing where i interrupt to make my point too. competitive speakers.. ugh. so i’ve been working on that. i know that it comes out of my growing up in a family where being heard meant getting your voice into the first lull in a sentence. lol. family holidays were the greatest.
i’m really sad about my uncle that shot himself. lately. this girl gave a speech in public speaking about how her uncle committed suicide and she said that she wasn’t able to cry about it until a year after it happened and i realized that i haven’t gotten past my anger toward him and been able to just say goodbye and be sad and stuff. maybe i’ll stop by the cemetery on my way to manhattan. it would be nice to see my grandparents graves too. i don’t think i’ve been out there in a long time. i could cry right now. in fact i think i kind of am. if that choked up feeling and moisture in one eye counts.. i don’t know how to deal with this. because theres so much anger. and so much that i have to let go of before i can deal with any of the grief. before i can grieve at all. because i still haven’t done that. the only feeling i remember having is relief because he always threatened to take my aunt with him. and now theres all this anger because he took his own life and left us with this huge mess. i don’t know how to react to it. i’m at a complete loss for words.
ericka’s funeral made me realize that what i thought was emotional maturity (that is, a belief that i wasn’t crying all the time anymore because i understood there were better things to cry about) was actually me being completely numb and not dealing with events in the correct fashion. i’ve always been better at crying during movies and music and other things that don’t matter as much. because my tears for real-life events is my art by way of poetry, prose, and photography. i realized that i’d forgotten how to cry. even though i appeared to be pretty good at it. i feel like i have my emotions back. ((i feel like i’m in a manic episode)). i’ve been trying to let myself cry when things are so beautiful again. i miss the jess that did that.
ps. after lola’s
lacey: “i like j. he just seems to really know who he is.”
jes: “but he’s still looking for himself. he’s just not afraid of what he’ll find.”
and i realized right then that im afraid of what i’ll find when i find myself. so i’m not going to do that. it’s okay if i’m not who i think i am. that doesn’t mean i have any less identity. and its okay if i let other people help me through this process. i’m the kind of person who’s always looking for their own personal definition and i can’t spend my whole life shutting people out of my dictionary.