drink until the morning comes
i’m listening to bright eyes and loving it.
i don’t really know how much i have to blog about right now. i just feel like i probably should blog. um. lets see… i got a B on that government test 87. i’m not going to pretend that i’m happy about it because I’m not. a lot of his reasoning was incredibly arbitrary and i don’t really understand how he can claim that some of my answers are too vague. wtf. oh well. i generally like freeman a lot so i’m sure i can talk it out with him in a few days. he’s making us discuss the tests with him sometime next weekend and my appt is for 3:45 on Tuesday.
Tomorrow I’m going to NHJH to talk about why its important for kids to be politically involved. I hope someone has some sort of publicity on yrs truly so that i can show them and maybe they’ll pay attention to me. lol. although i guess they really think that kids should be involved and they’re tired of being seen through a negative light.
I found really disgustingly moldy orange juice on top of the microwave today. w00ps. remind me to tell my roommate i was doing an experiment. lol š i think she’s been getting on my computer (not so :)) cos yesterday i was on smash static at work and it said that iw as logged in so i had nate check my other accounts, which he did, and said that they were all logged in also. this would not be strange except that the computer was off or at least in standby when i left. fuckin fuck. so i guess i’m gonna have to apply a password and just hope it all works out.
yesterday j and i went to the park and sat in the rose garden and talked about my uncle. i don’t know how his seemingly random mentioning of a box car racer lyric lead to me pouring out the story of uncle don and how hard that was but that’s what happened. and i cried a little. i think i’m almost ready to start getting over it. but you know how i can be. i’m just terrified that thanksgiving will be this fucking huge crisis moment in my life because most of my happy memories with said deceased-uncle are over thanksgiving. fuuuuck. i need to get in therapy.. if only to just be in therapy and work through all of this shit.
i don’t know what’s going on with madeline and i either. i guess she said that she wants time to figure herself out. which i can understand. i mean, i spend more tiem figuring myself out than just about anyone else i know so i’m not going to hold it against her. i just wish that she could say goodbye and honor that until she’s ready to say hello again without trying to make me hate her. because lets face it. i’m not going to hate her. after these last two years and all of the things i’ve done to her and she’s said to me i think its pretty clear that i’m always going to have this love for her. and it’s hard cos she doesn’t get out of my head ever. she’s just so there and its not a bad thing. i know she reads this and i know she’ll want to respond or say something and that its probably along the lines of “you shouldn’t care about me..” or some other euphemism or epithet for the same phrase. she’s beautiful. and i love her. and i guess until she’s ready to be part of my life again its just going to hurt whenever i hear certain songs.. at least i know we always used both hands. god. i miss her..
maybe this will be good for her. or maybe we could get really lucky and it could be good for both of us.
sunday night i had sex with j. we went to mad greek in lawrence and came back rolling on feta and each other and one thing lead to another and pretty soon we were fucking. and i hated it. this = me freaking out. i was doing okay but not enjoying it at all until about 10 minutes in. then we heard andy (roommate) get up and so he stopped and just waited inside me and i started getting really obviously uncomfortable and he saw the look on my face and stopped. and then we talked about it for a while and then we got better. i don’t know man. i think i just realized how incredibly fucking soon it is. and how that probably was equal to ruining what could’ve been a good thing.
lacey says that j and i could be so much more than just a casual non-boyfriend on the lists of jess’ casual non-boyfriends. she says i just need to let it happen. and i’m pretty sure she’s right. i have so much fun with him. and we think a lot alike. and he reminds me of all of the right people. and i can’t put my finger on what it is but he’s just completely unlike anyone i’ve ever dated before. he’s quite beautiful.
so last night i gave him another whirl and it worked out well. he’s really good in bed at least… sometimes i think that i’m just afraid of something bad that will happen as a result of this poor decision. not that he will break my heart or something.. but that i built walls the second he entered me so that i wouldn’t have to be afraid of what would happen if he told me he never wanted to do it again. and this is why i never have sex. and this is why i especially never do it with someone i actually hold in high esteem.
whoa. i guess i did know exactly what i needed to blog about.