learning how to be… honest
madeline and i talked tonight for a while. i explained to her how i feel like she doesn’t treat me very well and i think that i deserve to be treated better and she said that she doesn’t mean to treat me badly. i know i’m guilty of hurting her too. which is what makes it difficult for me. i amke a lot of excuses like “well i left her. so she can treat me like shit.” but really we need to both just get over our past so that we can move ahead in our lives and relationship, in whatever way is necessary. as long as neither of us flips out this should be a good healing process.
shindig adikt: hey
deathtomodifiers: hey
shindig adikt: how are you?
deathtomodifiers: alright. working. grr
shindig adikt: yah. :/
shindig adikt: how is that?
shindig adikt: well, i hope
deathtomodifiers: its going alright. i guess. busy
shindig adikt: okay. well. ill talk to you later. tomorrow, i suppose.
shindig adikt: or you know. maybe not.
deathtomodifiers: i’d like to talk to you tomorrow. unless you don’t want to see me
shindig adikt: no, i just meant i didnt know if wed get a chance
deathtomodifiers: well i hope we do.
shindig adikt: yah. jess. i want to work things out between us. whatever that may mean.
deathtomodifiers: i’d like for things to be good between us.
shindig adikt: friendly good?
deathtomodifiers: i think we have to start there. because all we have now is so disfunctional and unhealthy.
shindig adikt: oh.
shindig adikt: well. yah. i dont know.
deathtomodifiers: what don’t you know about>
shindig adikt: how things are between us. i mean. i think ive just been being dishonest.
shindig adikt: not with you, really, but with myself. ive been trying to be the asshole and in so doing ive become that.
shindig adikt: i dont know. i just know that no one will ever love me. and i guess i know that its a stretch even for you. and i know im going to lose it. or this is what i think i know.
shindig adikt: and i just feel like a walking black hole.
shindig adikt: and i dont have anything to give you
shindig adikt: i guess i just dont think i was meant to be loved or to have love or to know love.
shindig adikt: like i did with you.
deathtomodifiers: i just know that i realized a few weeks ago that you don’t treat me like i’m a human being. let alone like you love me. i love you. because i remember who you are behind your shell. but all i get is that wall. and i can’t handle it. i don’t know how to react.
shindig adikt: how do i treat you?
deathtomodifiers: you constantly push me away. and then bring me back. and then push me away. and i know i’m guilty of hurting you too. i just think we’re really fucked up and need to get past our past. while still learning for it.
shindig adikt: i think its just because i dont ever feel safe. maybe its not a matter of feeling safe. but its self-preservation. even though in the course of it all im just fucking with myself. and i feel so…inadequate. or not inadequate. but below you. you know you could have anyone that wasnt me and i know that no one will ever want me, and you dont even know if you do. and i dont even know if i want me.
deathtomodifiers: people will want you. i’m sure people do want you. its not like i have magical powers to see something that no one else possesses. you’re so incredibly beautiful. and that’s why i hate it that sometimes you make me feel so shitty.
shindig adikt: i got kicked off, im sorry.
deathtomodifiers: its okay. did you get my message between tehn?
shindig adikt: no
deathtomodifiers: people will want you. i’m sure people do want you. its not like i have magical powers to see something that no one else possesses. you’re so incredibly beautiful. and that’s why i hate it that sometimes you make me feel so shitty.
shindig adikt: i dont know. im just so hung up.
shindig adikt: and i hate that i make you feel shitty. i hate that i disregard what your feelings because im so fucked in my own head.
shindig adikt: but i just feel like everytime we get close again it blows up. and we run off into our corners and skulk and its just endless.
shindig adikt: and i dont want to do it anymore, but it doesnt seem to matter.
shindig adikt: and we can try and work things out, and we can even think that we have, but its still the same old explosion. and its probably just me;
shindig adikt: i want to put you in my genie lamp but i cant.
deathtomodifiers: i think that we could work things out. it will just be a long process
shindig adikt: i got booted again…
shindig adikt: but what i was going to say was i think that we might have seperate issues to work out, because…i dont know if i can let you help me with me. even though i hate being alienated from you.
shindig adikt: i love you, and i think it means getting over the fact that i cant just keep you to myself.
shindig adikt: and learning how to not treat you heartlessly.
deathtomodifiers: i think it would be good for both of us to learn to treat each other civilly