slate grey skies

this is just me being completely honest. i don’t need anyone to call to make sure i’m alright because i know i’m fine but sometimes i need to write down the things that are true. the things that i leave out.

i was thinking about madeline and realized that i miss having someone around whom i don’t need to speak. she and i had words, yes, but we didn’t have to use them. we could spin around each other in her bed for hours and the only energy we used was to expell our breaths and the words “i love you” because everything seemed like a waste. i’ve never known anyone like that. and the more i find myself misunderstanding the world and having the world misunderstand me the more i miss her. the less i feel like i’ll ever have the energy to build that again even if it is available. i cried over her the other day. i spent all of monday (and the rest of the week) in this complete depression and everyone thinks its because i just got back from washington dc and in so many ways that’s part of it but i felt fine all of monday morning until i checked my messages and one was from her and she was like “hey. this is madeline.” and something sounded different in her voice like she felt she needed to say her name or i wouldn’t know to whom the voice belonged. but i’ll never forget that sound. or the feeling in my ears.

(sit around and listen to albums that contain two songs of which you associate with the same girl who bends your heart again and again but finally broke it yesterday and you’ve been so sick over her that you welcomed the pain of the end because sometimes death is just a relief.)

• Category: Journal