realizations
i just reread my entry from last night when i got home from steves and realized that i don’t know if i write this with the intention of it being read. i don’t know. a lot of things have changed about how i write in my blog since i started blogging so many years ago. for one, i know that now i censor a lot more of what i write. a few months ago i told j that self-censorship is suicide.. but lately i find that publishing what i actually think can be like murder for the people i know who read it. or sometimes its other things. like i have really sincere feelings for someone or about something and don’t want to have them read it before i say it. i’ve also noticed that as a pretty popular idea in the head of jess. i think i used to rely a lot on the truth being poured into my blog. so i wouldn’t necessarily fill my date’s head with all of those coo-ey “oh i like you…”‘s that anyone else would because i could just blog about it and they’d get the idea. so i think there is importance in saying things outloud now. but even then, sometimes i don’t. but i don’t really say them publicly if at all on my blog either so i think i just, in effect, don’t communicate these feelings to people at all. which is probably unfortunate. but i guess that it happens and its something i’m going to have to deal with and get over. a good portion of it is just a really natural fear of rejection of my feelings. cos the conversation could just as easily go
me: “i like you, like whoa.”
him: “oh. whoa. i was gonna treat you like you’re not a real person and never return your affection.”
as it could
me: “i like you, like whoa.”
him: ::giggle, stares at shoes:: “i like you, too.”
and sometimes i think i’m just not willing to take the risk. and i should be. i know that i’m shorting something in the long run by not being all open about things as they are now but i need to sort through the intensity of newness.
i also decided that i believe my last two relationships were like rose relationships (because when i call something a cocaine relationship it means something intirely different…) and they looked so pretty in the beginning but they wilted fast and pricked a lot. so i’m hoping for an orchid. which is my favorite flower.
i’ve found that astrology love matches are pretty head on with my relationship patterns. very scary. although the sagitarrius-aries mixers ended for completely different reasons the bases of the astrological predictions were true. so rock on stars. i’m gonna go see how close it gets with anyone else i’ve dated. hrm. what’s a january birthday?