living in limbo-ooooooh

steve bought me living in clip the other day because he saw it and it was ani and he thought of me. i find this to be really brilliant of him. heart. anyway. so i’ve been driving around screaming along with live lesbian folk rock thinking that we should all be lesbian folk rockers someday and then i put in the second disk and the first song is Untouchable Face which is madeline and my song and the second song is Shameless which is about covetting another man’s wife. and getting her. basically. but its more poetic than that i think i’m intentionally not doing it justice so i realize that amidst shots the other night she cfalled and i told her i’d call her back when i’m sober but i just can’t find the words to say and i keep thinking one day it will just hit me and i’ll just know and be like “say this” but that’s probably not going to happen because it would have already. and i probably owe it to us to call her. and i probably owe it to myself or maybe just to her. i’m not sure. but i’m sure that i should call her and be a decent human being about the situation. it just never feels like the right time. i keep thinking maybe one day i’ll be able to have this conversation without crying so i won’t want to avoid it so much but i know that that is not true either. so i guess i’ll just keep putting it off and when my finals are over and i have 5 weeks of no reasons not to call i’ll call her and we can talk and maybe she can get her book back and i know she’s going to want that heart box back and that’s why i can’t call her… because i’m not ready for that.

it’s like handing pieces of her back to her when i can’t get the pieces of me back at all. and i know that its only a metaphor and a bad one because we’re not actually giving back anything. except maybe peace of mind. but i don’t remember ever having that and i sure as hell don’t have it now.

• Category: Journal