last night, she said

last night i was sleeping (approx 3:03 am) minding my own business when my cell phone rang and it was pretty much of course madeline. but i woke up in a pretty good mood and grabbed my phone and looked to see who was calling and determined it was her and was like “oh yea, madeline. i haven’t spoken to her in a while…” and it doesn’t occur to me that three am madeline phone calls only have one message. so i answer. and she retorts my hello with an “oh you’re awake?” and i was like “well yeah. i mean. i was by my phone.” and she said “i was just calling to say i love you and i don’t think we should speak again.” this is ridiculous for a variety of reasons. first, not talking to each other generally just makes us more crazy. or at least i get more insane. because daily i have to make up reasons not to talk to her. like “i shouldn’t call madeline today because she’s insane.” or “because she’s bad for me” or because “i hate her.” and none of these things are true. we’re both pretty insane. and if she’s bad for me then i’m bad for her but i think deep down she’s been nothing but good for me. and i definitely don’t hate her. instead we have this rather bizarre love hate relationshp where i just can’t make her get out of my head enough to deal wtih her. and this basically keeps her on my mind all day every day if we’re not speaking. now i can be like “well i’ll call her when i have time.” or “maybe we could go get coffee sometime” but instead i have to be psychotic about it and be concious of my not calling her at every given moment in a day. thus i get mostly insane. and i basically convince myself that she’s something that she isn’t.

which is to say i convince myself i dont’ want to talk to her all the while knowing that i do. which isn’t very convincing by definition.

so last night i attempt to convince her that we really should still speak to each other and maybe we could go out and get food sometime. but i don’t think i was successful. mostly i don’t remember what happened. just that she said she hated me and i cried. but now that i think about it i don’t know if she actually said she hated me. i do know that i cried.

• Category: Journal