self injury and the infinite sadness
i cut myself last week. this is my first relapse since june 20 of 2003. i’m pretty sure i should not cut myself anymore. first because i wasn’t even sure what i was trying to accomplish. i think it was a hodgepodge of things (cutting for a hodgepodge is an awesome reason). mostly it was that i feel guilty for trying to push steve away. but see i had a long talk with steve on probably wednesday or tuesday of last week about this. and told him exactly how i was trying to push him away and apologized for it and promised that it would stop and it has. but for some reason i think i felt i needed to punish myself for what i was doing. and cutting for me boils down to like about 3 things on a general basis.
i cut to feel real. i blogged on the uncensored portion (that actually is censored for those who have no password because i’m ironic) of my blog last week that i felt like i didn’t have enough control of my emotions to classify as an actual human being. i mean i didn’t actually go so far as to say that but i’ll attest to feeling that way. mostly it comes from my inabillity to control my panic attacks for the year 2005. i don’t know exactly what’s going on. I was thinking about maybe working at the humane shelter again but im not sure that i could at all because of the panic attacks. and i was mostly able to control them when i worked/volunteered there from 2000-2002. but i really don’t think i could anymore. because i’d not be able to supress the fact that there are lots and lots of dogs and cats that are perfectly wonderful and deserving of homes that are put to sleep daily. and frankly, lately doing all i can just doesn’t seem like its enough. i just feel so worthless and miniscule about it. because you can’t really c onvert people from being abusive assholes. but i bet if they went to a humane shelter and realized how psychologically impacted their actions toward animals are then they’d probably stop being fucked up in how they treat them. also, the human impacts of animal abuse are ridiculous. people who beat their animals generally also think its okay to beat humans. and the same goes for torture which is why animal abuse should be a felony. it gives us the opportunity to stop violent crimes that are basically guaranteed to occur in the future from an anthropocentric perspective. and i hate it that people don’t take any of this into perspective and these poor dogs and cats have to deal with this fear of human beings combined with this ridiculous loyalty toward them and a dependency on them. we basically systematically execute these animals without any real reason other than society can’t handle the burden. alright. tangent aside, i basically felt last week like i didn’t have the ability to maintain normalcy.
i cut to punish myself. again the feeling guilty about the stuff that steve and i talked about. it seems pretty patterned that i reach certain points in relationships that mean a lot to me. the first is when i realize i love someone and have to express it verbally. then there is this phase where i try to do everything in my power to destroy that love. then i reach the second point where i realize that there’s nothing i can do to protect myself from being hurt by or potentially hurting the other person and further i’m probably going to benefit more from the relationship than i will feel shitty about a possible breakup that may not even occur for a really long time unless i provoke it. this causes the conclusion that i should probably have not been a psychotic bitch and tried to push the person away for the better portion of a month. both prior to the falling in love and then again prior to the allowing the love to occur. dammit jess. just let things be! anyway. so i felt bad about this and i think that its at least part of the reason i did it. and probably the bulk of it. which is pretty stupid because i could’ve just talked to steve.
i cut to relieve emotional pain. let’s face it i was beyond sad and pissed off that i couldn’t go to NFA and this was probably the immediate emotional trigger for such an irrational action. i mostly just felt like there was some reason that had to do directly with me about my not being chosen for NFA. and i don’t think its really true anymore and i’m not even that upset about it anymore. i mostly just feel all “AUGH!” about the whole thing.
so i guess i do know why i cut. and i’m not really up for guaranteeing i won’t do it again. i guess. i mean i can pretty much say that i probably won’t. but i think it at least kind of worked. that’s a lie. i think i thought i grew out of it and i guess sometimes i still have to be really young and stupid about shit. but whatever. i’m going to work on restabilizing my emotional disorders. i’m probably going to benefit immensly from moving in with jotto. so let’s all look forward to that. hooray.