i can't help the way i feel

i’ve been really fucked up and sad lately and i’m not sure why. i think its the culmination of a lot of things. this weekend i was sad because i felt like all of my friends were going to be stoners and that’s just not something i enjoy so i got really weird about it. but then it turned out alright. because things were that way until like monday and since then they’ve been pretty normal. besides. pot would probably be just like playing hacky. except i’m probably not as dumb about marijuana as i am about hacky. because i dont’hate it. but i would inevitably do it for a little while and then start to forget and/or lose everything in my life and i wouldn’t want to do it anymore and they still would and it would just suck. so this is what i worried about on sunday. then on monday everyone was hanging out at the park when i was in forensics and i called steve who told me to meet them there and by the time i was a few blocks away they decided to leave and i got harassed into driving everyone back to campus. well one person. but you know. gas is pretty expensive these days. grr. so then i was extremely irrationally upset and couldn’t undo it. so i basically just sat in my car and talked to steve about how i was really angry but knew that i had basically no reason to be as such. OI. why i do this to myself…

today i was more upset about normal jess things. “the world sucks and everything is so defeatist and i don’t know why i try…” this is mostly because i was sitting at the same table as jeremiah and he always makes me feel suicidal if not homicidal. i just don’t understand how these people exist most of the time. and i don’t know. i’m too compassionate. and i care too much about the things that i care about. aaaaugh. then i went to chem and we talked about how to build nuclear weapons and i felt a lot better. don’t ask me why.

• Category: Journal