runover in traffic

steve bought bitch and animal’s cd “eternally hard” for me today and i’m extremely excited about it because it’s a really exciting cd. and there’s no better song to blare at the phelps picketters than “best cock on the block.” it was pretty awesome.

madeline im-ed me yesterday to say that she hated me. i’m not lying. the text of the im was “i hate you.” so i was like what the fuck!? who does that and just leaves… and waited for her to come back so that i could inquire as to why these feelings of hate. i asked “what was that about earlier?” and she just said “oh that, i don’t know. i’m sorry.” what the hell. it’s such a confusing situation between her and i anymore. obviously (and at her admittance) she wants me to hate her. unfortunately for her and maybe me sometimes, i really don’t because the love i have for her just isn’t going to go away.. but that doesnt’ mean i’m not incredibly frustrated. the last time she decided to quit speaking to me was march 15. after that date we did not speak until march 31 which was my birthday. she called in the afternoon and i was confused because we weren’t supposed to be talking and she said something about me having a nice birthday and her thinking it was good she wasnt in my life. then she texts me at like 10 and says “i hope yr having a happy birthday i’m sure its better cos i’m not there” AUGH!. so i’m drunk and call her to clear up the issue. at the part where i say “bye.. i’ll talk to you later..” she just says “yah i don’t know about that” so i’m just like “you can’t do that.” and then she proceeds to do it anyway and i just get really pissed off because its not like im the one to ever decide that we should start or stop talking again. i get no say in the matter. so i call her the next day to sorta apologize. then she calls me like a week later because she finds some new mean things to say to me. and then this last week she does it again. on saturday. she emails me to say we shouldn’t talk. which doesn’t make sense because she’s not supposed to be speaking to me. by her decision. and i don’t get the whole ordeal or what i’m supposed to do to fix the problem. or whatever our situation is. i thought we reached a decent resolution on saturday which was that we shouldn’t talk and then on monday she starts talking to me again to say that she hates me. thanks.

the real problem here isn’t necessarily what she’s doing to me because i think i just expect it anymore. she’s nothing like the girl that i fell in love with and she’s doing it on purpose so that i hate her and i’m just not going to hate her. because it doesn’t make sense to and hate isn’t in my nature. the real problem is that its affecting my relationship with steve.. on saturday he was upset because i mentioned her and at first it was like him just being upset that i mentioned her and then he admitted that he doesn’t really understand why i talk to her at all… so we ended up talking for like an hour in the third-floor lobby because of it. and that got settled.

then steve and i had a disagreement about joe for a while on monday or something which i think got cleared up. i don’t know. i wasn’t as upset about the joe thing because i think it was more or less valid. joe and/or i have a tendency to flirt with each other especially in the company of others. mostly because we don’t mean it and partially because we’re both basically sluts and don’t notice that we’re doing it because its in our personality to be that way to other people. also we’re really close friends and i think we confide in each other a lot so it seems like we have a lot of inside jokes. and we probably do.. but we try to let people in on them as much as possible. i don’t know. but i’m pretty sure he and i can fix the problem without any trouble. because its mostly us just being unconcious assholes.

so this all culminates today when i have built up in my mind that steve and i don’t communicate very well. which is false. cos we communicate about each other wonderfully… its just that lately we dont’ ahve the same deep conversations that we used to. and maybe this is because we agree on a lot and don’t have to say much. or something. but i decide that its an issue and then i pretty much make it an issue. but then we talk about it and i end up upset about madeline because i suppose that was the real reason why i don’t want to be close to anyone because obviously love can mean this utter chaos she and i have developed. oi. that conversation went well and i’m convinced that everything is going well between steve and i now. and hopefully there wont be any problems.

it’ll have been 5 months on the 24th. like whoa.

• Category: Journal