i was restless, i was restless
I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/I was restless/i just want this to be good/I just want this to be good/But you don’t understand/No You don’t understand me/And I want to be understood
I don’t want to write this. And I also don’t want to think it. But I think that I’m at the point where I have to even if it means not being able to eat or move or think for the next few hours. Fuck.
Steve is not speaking to me. He is intentionally avoiding me. He says its because it hurts too much to see me and he needs not to. This all started on Saturday night when he asked if I had kissed Joe on Thursday and I said yes bcause I wasn’t going to lie about it. So he then said that he didn’t want to go out with me tonight like we’d planned and he wanted to stop kissing and saying I love you. And I was like “okay” and then I had a really bad panic attack and flipped out and got really mean because I was upset. Then he said that he still wanted to hang out with me, you know, he just thought that I needed some time to be single basically and wanted me to take that time. So I was pretty alright about it until yesterday afternoon when I started getting this sick feeling like it was a lot more than that. And he called and it was. He basically said that he didn’t want anything to do with our relationship anymore and i was really really upset then. and i spent the whole night with stephanie being really fucking bummed and crying a lot and I threw up once because I just got so sick to my stomach.
So i decide i’ll feel better if I go to James. and i get there, and i really do. I got there and it was just Emily, James and myself plus this kid David who just got back from his Junior year at Notre Dame and is a former catholic.. so we have this really intense discussion about a lot of things from religion and its purpose to feminism to vegetarianism to environmentalism and it was really awesome. because he kinda made me realize that my actually being single affords me a lot more opportunities than dating. this was more-or-less true when Steve showed up at James. I wasn’t really sure what to do but I’m not supposed to hang out with him and he said last night that he probably wouldn’t want to talk to me much when we were both at James’ together so I just kept talking to David. Finally feeling better because being single could be good for me.
Then, I realized that whenever I was somewhere that I could be talking to Steve i felt really upset about everything. Like upset about him and how I couldn’t talk to him. So when everyone was in the living room i went and played with the cat until he got out of the dining room so we could talk. and then i just talked about how much i missed him. and how i kinda hate that you can’t just take relationships back. this was said when he made a decision to hold my hand. and i was thinking about if like Kyle or Emily or someone just did that to me. And how my reaction would be completely different because I’m not in a relationship with them. But beacuse I have been with Steve it means something different… And it will prolly be always okay for him to do that. Because the love still exists and I can’t erase it. and I hate it that we’re not talking because it just feels like he’s trying to erase everything and all the love and all the history and he says he’s not but what’s different about us now as opposed to before we didn’t date… the hurt of not seeing him, i suppose.
this really sucks. there was so much good in our relationship and i really think that if i was a decent, lovable person i would’ve been able to put us back together. i just feel completely undeserving of love. and this stems from a lot of things in my past. first how warped my relationship with my mom is and how i feel like the way that she left me is okay because i feel like i fucked up. and i always fucked up what i had with madeline. and i don’t even know why. i think i just get really scared of when that look in someone’s eyes actually means love. and just terrified. that i don’t deserve it.
madeline used to tell me that she thinks than none of us deserve love. and that’s what makes it special. and maybe that’s true.
But fuck. I hurt.
I hurt in ways I can’t describe. And I can’t even explain why this is happening because everyone always thinks it’s about Joe completely. but it isn’t. Because if it was it would be tons easier. I’ve left people I didn’t want to date for other people before. It’s as simple as hanging out with a friend and waiting till yr boyfriend sends the neighbor over to see if his car is here. Haha. Nah, i mean. it just doesn’t hurt at all. because you don’t love the other person at all and you don’t care. because it doesn’t make sense to keep either of you in a relationship that contains no love and only one-sided like.
i think i get scared that he can walk away because of those reasons. and then i just feel like shit.
why can’t he see me? i just need to see him. i don’t care if its awkward or if i don’t know what to want from him because i’ll be scared of accidently saying i love you or accidently having feelings for him. you know. i just hurt. and i want him to be a part of my life because i can’t just erase everything. and even if i could i don’t think i would. i’m always going to feel for him. and it will always be love. and i just don’t think love goes away. i also doesn’t think it’s born. i think it just exists and you recognize it when you’re with someone. and then you know forever.