got one taste of you, threw up all night

i privatized the entry that was here. because i don’t think that airing all of my dirty laundry about steve on the internet is a great idea. i just hurt a lot. and i feel like i can’t tell him.

the following is private but i’m not censoring it. because the uncensored part of my blog is for when i’m not sure that i mean what i say. (edit: alright. i’m censoring it).

steve fucked sam a few times. i don’t really want to talk about it, i’ll probably just write a lot of poetry about it… but honestly i just feel really sick all the time. like actually almost vomitting sick and it doesn’t matter much what i try to do, i never seem to be able to get my mind off of it. i can’t even just lay around alone or i start to think about it. it makes me really angry because one of the reasons i thought it was okay to have sex with him was that it really meant something and he couldn’t just have drunken flings. but apparently, my friends, this is not the case. and he is capable of drunken flings and it makes me feel like perhaps i was just a really long drunken fling or something. i don’t know. it also bothers me because he called her a slut in that way that he meant it for all of our relationship. and now he’s fucking her? what the hell. and what’s more he’s not fucking me. so i must be worse than a slut. it also really makes me upset because he told me that if a girl he was dating had sex with someone else after they broke up it would seal the breakup for him and i said the same and then went on not havng sex with anyone until i knew i was ready to say that steve and i are over for good. i guess he decided to use those words first. what does love even mean anymore? right now it just means all of this hurt. like this really intense aching all over because of him and what he did with her. and i don’t know how to handle it or what i’m supposed to think. AUGH. i’m not going to think about this conciously anymore. it was already one of the worst things to wake up to.. i feel so goddamn betrayed.

and i know people will say “well you broke up with him.” but he said all those words, not i. it wasn’t my idea to permanently breakup. further, i feel like a lot of it had to do with joe. and not in that way that i was in love with joe and just pretended not to be until i couldn’t continue both relationships because i’m pretty sure that’s what steve thinks.. steve and joe were just my two best friends and one was also my boyfriend…and i was happy with things being that way but then when steve and i started to fight and then went on break, joe decided it would be a good time to “play his hand” so to speak and admittedly gambled our friendship on a relationship with me… so i was going to lose Joe or Steve and just couldn’t end things with one of them. most of the time i wanted it to go back to how it was because i was so ridiculously happy then. but i guess sometimes things don’t work out.

and maybe it’s a good idea if i move on for real now. i know at least one person who would be extremely happy if i quit wobbling.

• Category: Journal