what do we do when it all dies

my ipod and ibook came sometime last week and class started as well. i know i haven’t blogged in forever. it’s because i hate the layout. and when i hate the layout i pretty much hate going to the website at all which makes it pretty effin difficult to actually blog. although the layout is completely different where i actually do the blogging so i don’t know why this always happens, but it does. expect a new layout hopefully by the end of the weekend. but it’s hard to say because that depends on me getting home and getting photoshop on my lappy and stuff.

i love the new ibook. there are some obvious things that i don’t like about osx. for one, i prefer My Documents to the harddrive thing, even though i only have to click once after I open the harddrive. it doesn’t matter to me. i want a my documents menu. i will look into doing this at some point but until then i’ll just complain about it and wish for something better. the dashboard is great too. although i always used the quicklaunch menu on the left side of my monitor when i used the HP exclusively and so it’s basically the same thing. dashboard is just prettier, disappearing, easily editable, and animated. oh and it disappears when i don’t need it. how CONVENIENT. the software is pretty great too. i like adium more than trillian. this could be because the buddy list is smaller (Though i could’ve done that with trillian, mostly) and it will let me talk on gadu-gadu so i’ve gotten to reconnect with some polish friends. i need to make an effort to IM-email everyone that i met there, because so far i just haven’t. uggh. i need to figure out imming on jabber/gadu-gadu as well.

i don’t know. life has been insane. in fact, i literally have gone insane. i hate it. i was so in control of my head for a few years and then it’s like i went to poland and the new setting made me lose it so i got really fucking bipolar and then i sorta had a grip on it (of course i was doing nothing..) and now school has started and i’m taking 18 hours, working 16 hours, studying in the mean time, and forensicating. FUX0RZ! what was I thinking? i wasn’t handling it at all. I’ve had about 4 anxiety attacks in the past 2 weeks. and I hate panic attacks. i’d rather die most of the time than have one. but i went to the nurse after the 3rd one and they gave me an Rx for some beta blockers so that my heart won’t throw me into a panic attack. i think they’re really good. yesterday was my first waking day on them and there were a few times that i was panicky but my body just stopped. i felt the panic in my head and then it just subsided when my heart realized it wasn’t beating fast enough to throw me into convulsions. what a bloody douche bag. i also like them a lot because they aren’t restructuring my emotional chemistry so i don’t feel like a zombie like i usually do on psychotropes. oi.

one day i will again remember what it feels to be alive.

speaking of alive, this hurricane madness is really making me angry. we’ve talked about it in all but one of my classes now and it just disgusts me how ignorant all levels of government were in proactively handling this situation. ugh. and a lot of people treat it like “why didn’t they evacuate” but they were poor and didn’t have the means too. and the governor only got mad when they started looting. and congress is taking forever. and oh man, i just wish that people cared more about each other when they needed it, not just when it looked good to do it.

• Category: Journal