secrets and scandals
my secret of the day is that i really miss living vicariously through other peoples livejournals. a certain few people in particular. i was reading them today because i dreamt last night that i had sex with this girl named valema who does not exist but was friends and former lovers of this girl whose livejournal i like to read in the dreamworld. the sex was mediocre and awkward at best.
so i thought i’d see what you were up to and it turns out that you’re up to the same old bullshit. writing in a style that i’m envious of and living a life that i want even though i can feel in your words an encapsulated loneliness that i only dream of touching. i hope all is well. do you ever feel comfortable in the knowing that you will never truly know someone only understand them from afar? i think i knew you in a past life and will love you in a future one.
the word coined to describe that feeling is longing.
when i was younger (and still) i was a master at describing symptoms to people in vague health fields in order to get a psychological diagnoses. if i described myself today the result would be: obsessive, paranoid. not to mention bipolar, anxiety disorder. this is why i’ve never trusted people in the profession of categorizing brain reactions.
i was thinking about seeing a psychiatrist. i think i should see a psychologist. i think i should get off my bullshitty bullshit insurance and try to find a way to get the psychological care i need to fix this. when i was sixteen it was easy. i cut myself. i want you to teach me to stop cutting myself. at nineteen the issue becomes more complex. i am my saboteur.