vintage
i listened to the old97s this morning. it was pretty great. i’m a huge fan of rhett miller specifically. i’ve got some of the lyrics stuck in my head now (specifically…. “i was only nineteen….”) so many of their lyrics are really great. in one of the songs they say “i’ve thought so much about suicide parts of me have already died.” it hit home.
i treat this blog like no one reads it, which seems odd given that i used to obsess over wanting people to read it.
i’ve been suicidal only a few times in my life. (only a few?) and lately i haven’t been doing well. i’m trying to be open about this. i’m trying to be honest because if i say it then i can’t do it. because that wouldn’t be fair. i want to say that i would never kill myself. i think i’d stop myself before i let it happen. i don’t think i’d attempt it unless i meant for it to be successful because i wouldn’t want the attention.
i’m also trying to get help for it. not trying. i actually am getting help for it. i have an appointment on november 21. that’s only ten days away. i don’t know what i’m going to say to her. i’m really afraid i’ll just describe some cliché disorder to her. and just say “well i have symptoms 1+2+3+4+5” and she’ll be like “Yes, that adds up to disease 15” and then she’ll give me pills for disease 15 and they’ll not work and i’ll hate it all over again. i need to be more accurate. i need to describe this part of my process of getting medication and seeking help and see if through that i can get better.
i think that everytime i consider it i dehumanize myself a little more. i become more and more familiar with the idea of my own death and at the same time really distant from the people i love and from the people i know love me.
i think i’m getting better. i’m trying to be honest with everyone. i’m starting with myself.
maybe i’ll write an open letter to all of the people i need to write letters to and maybe they’ll read them and know its about them or call or write or anything basically. and maybe then i’ll feel better.
i need to learn a permanent coping mechanism. this method should not be: 1. cut myself; 2. lie so i don’t deserve anything; 3. act so i don’t deserve anything; 4. keep myself from ever being happy; 5. lashing out against others; 6. practicing poor eating habits.