in reverie

i had that appointment with my psychiatrist on monday and it went about as good as can be expected (poorly) i was pretty upset. she said that i have add, inattentive kind, and i got a script for focaline XR which is like just below adderall, apparently, on the scale of powerful drugs to stop people from being their normal, distracted selves. i’ve kinda settled into the diagnosis… she also said that i have bipolar spectrum which means that i’m not necessarily full bipolar, though some day i could be (if i try hard enough i guess?) because i have lots of mood swings and bizarre episodes. i’ve heard basically the same thing before from other people so i guess this makes sense. the way others have described it… i tend to flatline at “normal” which is more depressed than “everyone else” but sometimes i’ll be more manic than “everyone else” and sometimes i’ll be WAAAAY more depressed than everyone else. Lately I seem to oscilate between the two extremes. Fantastic. The key, apparently, is remembering that i get to have manic-ish episodes. What sucks the most is when i go from feeling really good to feeling like shit. Because it’s such a horrible, horrible come down. I’ve only done it in that order i think once this week though. and while that was just beyond ridiculously bad… at least it was only once.

i feel kind of hopeless still. the add thing really sucks. my gut reaction was like “what the hell?” then i got really sad ebcause fucking everyone has that. and everyone deals with it. and i don’t. and it maybe makes me a freak. because i’m just some incurable thing that is beyond help. that’s what i feel like. i feel like there is just something uniquely wrong with me because i am bad.. not because of some biological of physiological or chemical wtf reason. and it sure as hell isn’t fixable. but then, that’s not what she said. i think her point of view is just that i don’t have the ability to focus in order to attain my personal standard for a level of perfection and that if i could focus then we could better decrease the stress level and increase my ability to deal with the other problems (bipolar?).

she makes some sense.

she also suggested that she thinks that i’m just traumatized from the experience of having my biological parents abandon me. fuck off was what i wanted to tell her. i almost walked out of the room at that point. i understood just then why they make you copay up front. where the fuck do you get the nerve to think that? was the second statement that came to mind. instead. i calmly explained to her that she was wrong because i don’t view them as abandonning me. i think they did it cos they loved me and i think it was hard for them. this was the point that i came closest to crying. it reminds me of the time my boyfriend told me that if they loved me they would’ve kept me, and you’re supposed to be a fucking professional? at least he was only fourteen.

tomorrow is thanksgiving. my family is crazier than i. i’m so excited about this holiday.

• Category: Journal