the downside

the downside of being manic depressive is that sometimes you have to be depressive. i had a somewhat breakdown while driving around in the rain today. i was listening to the stone on you mix and thinking about how i feel like i have to be a grownup now but really i’m not a grownup. because being a grownup is shitty and i dread it and i, catch-22 style, want to be a grown-up because i feel like i can’t accomplish everything as a little kid but i also am pretty confident that i’ll fuck around and not actually accomplish anything as an adult so i sorta don’t want to be a grown-up in the same way. bizarre. it leads to a lot of depression related issues. but who knows. i’m sure i’ll grow out of it.

we watched thumbsucker tonight. i think this is also some of the reason i was depressed. i remember reading the book when i was a freshman in high school (or maybe the summer before) and feeling like it epitomized me. or feeling like i really related to that kid. or something. i just really felt like it was some piece of me in a really good way. so i’m watching this movie and joe points out that whenever he watched a movie that someone else liked he tries to figure out WHY they liked it specifically. and we knew that steve had seen it so he keeps saying “well maybe it was this.” and then i point out that steve didn’t necessarily like it that much because he just told us he had seen this movie and then sent a line from it. but he didn’t say that we should really see it because it was particularly good or anything. so i’m watching the movie and trying to find traces of myself in it. and i suppose i find them. and i suppose that makes me really depressed. because wasn’t i supposed to go to a more glamourous college? probably. or at least i think i thought i would. and here’s this kid. applying to nyu. and i never applied anywhere nearly that cool and i get really down on myself about it even though i think life is alright or as it should be at washburn. i don’t know. it also depresses me because seriously i remember the book as being much better than the movie. and i can still remember enough of it that i can enumerate the major theme shifts in the movie from the book. it annoys me when directors do that. because now no one can make a movie based on the book thumbsucker. so this is it. and you’ve gotta just hope people read the book to get the themes that were big in it. because some bastard (even if it is the author) had to take this much creative license.

i listened to konstantine in the car. that’s why i had my breakdown. “because everybody needs a little more room to live.” i started crying around “i can spell confusion with a k and i can like it, it’s to dying in another’s arms and why i had to try it…” i probably peaked around the sleeping in the living room lyric that follows the ones just cited. uggggggh. why do i do this? the beautiful thing about the stoned on you mix is that more than anything it’s a story of me. and the movie strays too far from the text.

i watched two men get arrested tonight. it took 6 cop cars to accomplish it, apparently. they treated the men like animals. they had guns drawn and had the man lay on the ground so they could cuff him. i don’t know what they did. but i hate how in society, violating the laws of that society takes you outside of the Humanity caste. I mean, I guess we all get those rights if we break the law. I suppose we’re all “protected” in some way by these fences we set up in society but I’m with Thoreau: If I didn’t physically sign that social contract then fuck ya’ll, i’m out of it. ps. i think anarchy is where it’s at. even if it does elicit joe to ask me what my political philosophy is this week. it all jives together and i’ll explain it if you’ll be open-minded and let me take my time.

• Category: Journal