It's true what they say: you can't go home again.
I feel like my entire universe is crashing all around me. The good news is that I cleaned the apartment so now the living room and kitchen are mostly not in dissaray. Also, i’ve been cutting down on soda intake because Easter was inspiring. And I don’t want the empty calories. I do believe that I’d be anorexic if not for my lack of willpower. Although i have the most dysmorphic body image. It’s all over the map, known to change not from day to day but hour to hour. Mwah-ha.
Mom called today to say that she switched my furniture for hers because she wants the nice furniture “back.” I pointed out that it’s never been her furniture it’s always been mine and she said that she wanted to keep it nice and “you kids put pop cans all over everything.” My response to this was that I don’t even live there to put fucking pop cans on my dresser. I said that I probably hate the room now. I told her that I just don’t see how it could look good cos the furniture is way too big for my room and the other stuff matches the bed. I said that my bedroom is a place that I enjoy coming home to and now it will be all different.
I do not know how to communicate to my mother that that bedroom has been my single consistent point of solace since I was a small child and I would prefer if she left it the hell alone. I don’t know how to remind her that she said when I was moving out for college that she wanted to leave my room the same so that I had a place to come back to and so that I would still feel like i was part of the family. I feel like I’ve been erased from the family. Like I somehow died and now they’ve moved past me and they’re starting to redo their lives again which means taking my good furniture. I don’t know how to tell her this. Where are the words for it? I do not know.
I don’t know if I plan on living at home this summer anymore. Fuck if it doesn’t feel like somewhere far far away from me now. I don’t need this now. I’m not very emotionally stable, and I’m stressed anyway.
I know that it is just a room that no longer matches. I know that it is just furniture. But when you get past all of that stuff, really, it isn’t. It’s so much more.