cancerous, cantakerous
I suppose now is the time that I admit that I’ve been in a bad mood all day. maybe? I don’t know. Joe and I didn’t have the best day of our relationship. Some of this is because I woke up way earlier than I meant to (arround 7 or 7:30) and got to lay in bed hoping I’d fall back to sleep by 8:30. It just set me in a pretty bad mood and unable to sleep for the next several hours. then i started cleaing sometime around 12 and got really frustrated by the lack of storage so i went out to buy storage tubs and that turne dout well. i also scored a “nesting basket” for my knitting supplies, something i’ve been wanting for a while and i got a trash can for the bedroom. who knows. maybe we’ll use it? i hope so. joe seems less optimistic about it. i also got two towers for panties, pjs and socks. Or in joe’s case, boxers and undershirts and socks. whee. how much fun is that? i’m really excited about it and the room is damn clean so i finally feel like i can relax. i’m hoping that a quick dust over of the whole place on thursday will make everything perfectly sparkly clean and i can take pictures of what our place looks like when everything is in array.
I had this terrible panic attack at about 7:10. Given that I had to work at night, this was probably a bad thing. It mostly started because I’d been holding back this bad mood all day trying to pretend that everything was fine because I was convincing myself at the time that this was the truth. Joe saw through it. By evening though, we went to get food for him and rent movies and I got all bitchy about it because i felt he was taking too long to get ready. and then when we got out it ended up taking too long through really nothing we could’ve done to avoid and I didn’t get to get food nor did I really have time for it before work. Instead of just grabbing food and being a few seconds late i proceeded to get terribly angry and then i just melted into this terrible panic attack. I think i should start keeping better records of what phrases i repeat during panic attacks. They would probably give me good insight into why i have them. Today i kept repeating “Help me” and shaking uncontrollably. And Joe didn’t know what kind of help i wanted or how I wanted it. So then he’d ask and I’d say “hold me” and he would but i just shook a lot. I also went into a frenzy of apologies and self-deprecation. That’s old hat though. The “help me” is new. What kind of help did I mean? Straight Jackets? Xanax? Desperate Housewives. No one knows.
My cousin Tara’s cancer is back. I’m sure i mentioned this before. anyway, I guess she’s really sick so now I’m perhaps going to give her some/ a lot of my blood. I hope that it doesn’t come down to her needing a transfusion but I’d be really happy to give her one if that is what she needs. it makes me feel really good because I really like giving blood and I pride myself on being O-negative. It’s nice to feel like I get to have a really positive impact on someone’s health potentially. It connects me to God in my own way.
Speaking of God-connections. Mom’s cousin Darylene and I talked for a while at the luncheon after the funeral about spirituality and things. She’s a really interesting person but she seems completely at peace with the world which is great. and I felt really spiritually safe talking to her and opening up about different parts of myself and my beliefs/relationships with God. She was really understanding about all of it and kind of helped me understand the way Saints should function in my catholicism, or at least understand it more than I did.