Pour the champagne, pour the champagne
I feel obligated to say first that if Kevin has come to my blog he now wants the post below this one… The “One-thousandth and counting” one. Or it might be titled in a variation of that.
Since I last posted, I am a red head. This is good news.
The bad news is that I threw up this morning from exhaustion. I threw up last night from a panic attack. I also cried the whole way home through fog and crazyness.
My mom was mad at me because I came in at 4 a.m. Now I feel like I can’t ask for the help I know I need because she will just say that I should start sleeping earlier. I know that I need to sleep more. I am doing that tonight. I also know that it doesn’t mean that I’m going to feel less crazy just cos I start sleeping. I’ll point out that I slept all weekend.
Let the record show that I desperately wish that there was some sort of emergency room for people who went crazy. I remember reading Girl Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen and she talks about how one of the other patients was in a movie, realised she went crazy, and left. That is sort of what has happened to me. The problem is that I know I’m having a panic attack which doens’t warrant a normal emergency room whenever I am having one. My insurance sucks. You can’t get into a psychiatrist in this town. Especially not the good ones. Especially when you mostly distrust their intire profession. At this point, my best hope for early admittance is an attempted suicide. That seems bad for several reasons: one, it’s really effin risky. two, i don’t want to commit suicide or give others the appearance that I am. three, i really don’t have time to execute a brilliant plan these days.
I’m calling the doctor. And hoping for the best.
[Edit]: Yesterday, I read my horoscope for today and was at least a little bit nervous. Today, I’ve learned that those physical needs that were predicted turned out to be a desire for a very, very long nap.