Sweet Marie's gift-wrapped guilt trip
Now for the much-expected update that i promised, or some version of it. I guess I don’t really know what updating I’m supposed to do. I do know that I finished the bulk of my christmas shopping the other day and I’m now really super excited about being able to give these gifts to people. I’m feeling super crafty which benefits the gift-making process quite a bit and also helps motivate me to finish the whole thing. plus, i really like giving gifts. so i’m happy that i get the opportunity to do that. and gift-giving is an excuse to see people that i really like. whee.
life’s sometimes a little difficult. Joe and I aren’t really speaking. he thinks that i’m destroying myself. I don’t entirely disagree with him. I’m excited for break because it means time to figure myself out, knit, and read about Africa. I’m hoping to be able to accomplish all of this on my trip to LA. Not to mention before that. I’m really excited about the opportunity to explore who I am outside of the context of who other people want me to be. I’m also trying to look for/toward the responsible choices that I’m making and using those to spur me to make more. For one, I’m glad that I semi-randomly cut out the consumption of alcohol in my life until I turn 21. There’ve been a lot of times lately when I really wanna just get all fuckered up and take my mind off of what’s going on, but I feel really good taht I don’t do that. And given how depressed I’ve gotten at different points in the past few week, I think it’s definitely a good thing that I don’t have a crutch like that to get stuck on.
Speaking of really sad times, my dog Diggy passed away yesterday. He was one of our older poodles who we’d rescued from a couple who could no longer take care of him. We’d had him around here for a few years and really loved him a whole lot. It was a really difficult thing for me, in part, because I discovered him. Which I had never done. I took it really well. By sliding into a really cold shock and having an immediate sense of guilt and disbelief. I’m not sure I can explain it.
See, I got home around 3:30 that day and let the dogs outside at around 4 when mom said that she wasn’t going to be home right away. So I let them all out and when I do this I always just open the cages of the ones in the utility room and then let the ones who want to follow me out go out and leave the other ones alone because some of them (like Cassidy Jean) don’t like to go out until mom or dad get home. So I just sort of let them out and then went back to my room to study. At 6:30, I told mom I would let bear out so she could let him back in which she got home. I went to do this and that requires shutting cage doors on the dogs still in cages (they like to sleep there). So I went to shut the doors and realized that Diggy hadn’t moved. That he was just laying there which is really out of character for his typical neuroticism. Usually he’d be spinning circles and barking a lot. So I got closer to the cage and said his name and nothing happened so I watched for him to breathe.
I get to this stage with dogs all the time. Where i think maybe they’re dead cos they sleep so still… but then… when i look close. their chests rise. Yesterday, with Diggy, his chest and body was not rising and falling like a sleeping dogs chest would. He. was. so. still. So I got closer and i tried to call for him and wake him but he wouldn’t… so I opened the cage door and tried to shake him awake and I realized he was already so rigor mortised. It was sad. I didn’t really know what to do. I rolled him over and tried to massage his heart to bring him back but it was so obviously too late. And he looked so peaceful in that sleeping position so I just let him stay that way.
I layed him back in the cage and said, “It’s okay, Diggy. Just sleep.” and put him exactly as I’d found him. Then i realized I should call mom so I did. I said “mommy, you should come home.” and she said she was on her way and asked why and I said “Diggy passed away, mom.” and she got really upset right away. She just kept saying No and Oh No over and over again. I felt so terrible. I still sorta wish that I would’ve just waited for her to come home or called Dad instead. But I figured Mom was the obvious person to call. So she came home and was so upset. I called Dad before Mom got home to let him know and he returned my page right away and I let him know and said that mom was on her way and said that he should come home too. he was about 10 minutes away from heading home anyway so he finished up whatever at work and then came home with us.
I guess they had a vet appointment for him today because he’d been coughing a little bit more. Mom feels really guilty that she didn’t take him in Wednesday night instead of trying to wait till when Peanut’s appointment was. Man. I feel so bad for her. I just kept telling her that it wasn’t her fault and there was no way they could’ve known and that Diggy was just old. and he really did look so peaceful. He looked like he had just gone to sleep and didn’t wake up. He probably just started to have a really good dream is how I described it to Mom. And it’s been three years now (almost to the day, I think) since we lost Lamby which was a different black poodle. I said that Grandma Margie maybe just wanted another birthday present to keep her company. Maybe it’s a sign from Michelle who I had been thinking about lately because the third anniversary of her death came and went. Oh man,
Death, like love, is a dangerous angel.
I guess this entry is what I’ve had to say. Maybe there is more. Probably, the only thing I could add is how fucking glad I am that the semester is over and that I expect my grades to be pretty effin good.
Oh, and I saw Apocalytpo the other night. What a fantastic movie. And an even more fantastic evening. It was seriously great though.