The true story of what was

I don’t want to hide this from people anymore. It’s something that happened to me and as difficult as it is… I need to come to terms with it. And it seems that even with those whom you hold in greatest confidence… sometimes stories trickle out to people who suddenly become on a “need to know” list which you have no control over.

I spent wednesday night in Stormont Vail Behavioral Health Clinic because I am having an extremely difficult time dealing with the everyday life. It’s not even that I’m particularly stressed out. it’s more that I don’t know how to handle freetime without obsessing over my problems, flaws, and insecurities and sinking into dark depressions.

I know that I have isolated myself from people who really care about me and who really want to be there for me. While these actions were often carried out while I understood the full weight of what I was doing, I felt mostly powerless as I knew that allowing these people to be there for me would basically guarantee that I would have to acknowledge the problem. I believe that I’ve apologized to the people who I have harmed most as a result of this. Still, I want it to be known to everyone that I have apologized to people and that I am now conscious of what I was doing and the reasons behind that. I thank everyone for their understanding and for being by me at this time.

I don’t want anyone to blame themselves for this. Whoever you may be. I’m in a rough spot in my life and I am learning to get out of it by myself. No skill could be more important. If you’re a close friend or whatever… I need you to be understanding that I may not be the best person when it comes to consoling you right now. I may not be the best at cheering you up. And I may not be the typical “fixer” that I usually am in life. I need to focus on myself. Please take full advantages of whatever resources you have outside of me. If you’re not a close friend or whatever… just be understanding when those people who you are close to in your life go through a time of immense need. Understand that we don’t mean to push you away the way that we do… we just don’t know how to get help for ourselves and are terrified to let other people force us to get that help. Pray for us. Talk to us. Continue to ask us out even when we turn it down again and again. Tell our parents that we’re going through a tough time when they call to accuse you of not being there for us. There is no greater friendship than the one that understands and survives depression.

All my love.
Let’s be free.

• Category: Journal