The pickmeup

today was the first day of school and the one-year anniversary of mckeithan’s death. both went by pretty well. i had dinner tonight with katie and kandy to talk about mckeithan and stuff and so that we didn’t spend this day alone. man. what a weird thing to have him gone. but i think we’re all dealing with it alright. i don’t know. i’ve gotten over so many of the bad feelings. now it’s just the grief and the sadness that he’s gone. and a whole lot of happy memories for the time that i did have with him. i think sometimes i feel guilty that i don’t cry about him every day. because he meant that much. i think sometimes i still live in a hazy form of denial where i think that maybe if i go to the places where he usually is… then he will be there. but he isn’t. and really… it’s the times that i do go to those places that i do still breakdown and cry. kandy and i talked about maybe buying a memorial of some sort for him. maybe just a brick somewhere. “some place that we could go” since there isn’t really a grave to speak of at all… but certainly the only place to go is in NC where his ashes are. i don’t know. i think it would be nice if there was something to commemorate his life somewhere in town where i could go and sit and talk.

agh.

i miss him so incredibly much. it’s so hard to lose someone that you’re so incredibly close to. he meant so much to me and i just can’t believe that one day he was just gone. i really wish that he would’ve lived even just through that week so that i could’ve spent state with him. i wish i would’ve debated my freshman year… i wish i would’ve been around the squad more. dammit. i just wish that there was more time, you know. more time.

now i have dreams with him sometimes though. dreams where he gives me advice about whatever. it’s very mckeithan-esque advice you know. like “well… it sounds like you know what you’re doing…” and i know exactly what he means when he says that… it was nice to be able to talk to him like that in a dream. because i know that he’s there in those dreams. and that i’m still seeing him. and i’m still talking to him. i just have to do it in this other place now.

all my love, let’s be free.

ps. i still dont’ know what i’m going to do about this message i have to respond to. so far… nothing. maybe i’ll post my options privately and then deal with it there. oi. maybe i’ll just write pages and pages of poetry about it. and try to get it out of my system. i think in the end the best advice i’ve gotten has been from steve. but that’s not the advice i want to take. here here.

• Category: Journal