Catching the clock
I have so much to say that I don’t even know where to begin. This is one of those blog entries which begins with a metablog on how and why i blog and how and why i’m bad at it, it seems. which is usually a sign that it will be a long one… but who is to say?
i guess the first thing i mean to blog about is my weekend. which was awesome, by the way. like seriously… i think it’s just the best weekend ever. my weekend starts on wednesday, if you didn’t know this. i had a manic episode. i’ll just be honest about that part because i think it’s important to get that out there. i hate manic episodes for several reasons…
1) i become completely irrational about consequences… as in, i know that my actions probably have consequences but i just can’t rationally think out what those consequences might be or why i’d be upset about them.
2) i become wholly stubborn and unmoving when it comes to my opinion about what it is i’m going to do. i guess this is because i can’t way consequences so my calculus even with other opinions still looks like a question “Should I do this thing?” with only one box to check “Yes”
Given that i think those boil down to the same reason… i’m just going to stop listing reasons, but there are others. I think that if I were ever to die as a result of my bipolar disorder, it’s more likely that it comes during a manic episode when i would convince myself of something truly insane. like that i could fly. but probably not that. probably like… that i could do infinity lines of coke in an hour. something like that. dumb. for the record, i’m not at much of a risk for that because i don’t do coke. i suppose i also don’t convince myself i can fly. ah, jess, this is so tangential.
so i have a manic episode and hopped a plane. some of this is because my mom called me a whore. i’ve since discussed it with her and it turns out that she didn’t call me a whore. she instead said that i was “whoring around” which is different. and i know that she actually meant it differently because it’s my mom. and we’re very semantical people. so that was that.
there is much more to this entry. but it’s not finished and i’m going to bed. so it’s censored for the time being. check back or something if it matters a whole bunch.
i flew southwest which is always nice because they’re a failing airline so you have lots of space on small midwest flights. and i didn’t charge my ds before i went (as i didn’t really know i was going) so i had to fly without any video games. instead i read. i love marquez, ps. i got off the plane and wandered to the baggage claim where kyle was waiting. it was all romanticesque. calling him and then seeing him at the bottom of the escalator and hanging up. riding the escalator slowly toward him. awh. we left for dinner/the show right away. we arrived near fitz’s but kyle’s friend sid wasn’t going to make it there so we just went to dinner elsewhere. this thai place, namely. it was mostly delicious. i had pad see euw which i like a whole lot but can’t spell. after that was the concert.
i was completely overwhelmed by how fantastic jack’s mannequin was. they were just completely amazing. and i was absolutely happy the whole time too. i wanted nothing more than to be right where i was, wrapped up in kyle’s arms and dancing around… beautiful. he’s stunning. (kyle. though andrew mcmahon prolly isn’t bad either). so we pushed down onto the stage and i had an awesome time because he’s just as publically affectionate as i am which is good for us but probably pretty bad for everyone else. though it was really nice to be told how cute we are all night… and jessy said that he really liked me. awesome. after the show we went to sid’s where we somehow were able to drunkenly snatch the bed from sid. so sleeping in a comfortable bed instead of as part of 3 people on a 2 person couch turned out well. we left to head back to carbondale toward the middle of the afternoon.
the rest of the weekend went really great too… i suppose i should just try to encapsulate it in feelings the way he did instead of going through the event-by-event.
i really like this boy a whole lot. being with him is like… is like… a feeling that i don’t really remember ever having before. it feels like something fantastic that i just want to feel for always. i just reread old entries about him and found the one that says that he’d treat me like a queen and i was totally right. it’s just wonderful.
and staying with him doesn’t annoy me. i remember being in outpatient and staying with tyler and mind you i was a little bit fucking insane then… but really i just didn’t want to be there. i always felt in the way most of the time. and it was kind of uncomfortable. and i just wanted time to be by myself. but with kyle it just all feels so natural. from falling asleep together. to waking up together. and everything else. even our sex life which is pretty impressive in its regularity of occurance… just sort of feels like the most natural thing everytime.
it’s like how i described us hooking up at webster.. where it’s like i go into every situation with him just expecting to see what happens and it always feels like the most right thing to do. and i’m satisfied. and he holds me afterward. and before. i’m just so happy.
we were watching 24 in his bed last friday. and i realized that there was no where else that i wanted to be than with my head on his shoulder and his arm draped over my back while we watched 24… which is an awesome show, it turns out.
i’m so wholly smitten.