Migraineishness sucks

Ahh… what a long day/long week, no? I went to mass feeling basically terrible. I took a nap this afternoon and woke up to the news that Madeline never wants to speak to me again. Which is really what I was needing this week. As it is, I feel completely worthless. Like I just suck the life out of everything and that I’m bad at all of the things I care about being good at. I feel like an utter failure most of the time. I wake up crying. I hate it. I spend more time daydreaming about killing myself than is even healthy and I get this bullshit about how she doesn’t want to be speak to me ever again. (It still bothers me that she can read whatever and I can’t have any access to her life.) Seriously. I was talking to Kyle about it… and it’s just like… the past month or so she’s said that the reason she can’t be around me or talk to me is that she doesn’t like seeing what i put up with from other people. But, honestly, I didn’t put up with much bullshit for my first major relationships. It wasn’t until I spent two years loving her more than myself that I became accustomed to being treated in a way which was fickle. Really. A week ago she texted me to say that she was honored to call herself my friend. That being two days after she decided maybe we shouldn’t talk. And now she’s back to the first thing. Fuck. I just can’t handle it. I don’t know what to do. And it’s really not fair to me that she just came back when i was so upset because she was worried about me. And now i’m going through this really bad thing and she bails because of her things and I really just wish she’d let me be there for her. She makes me feel like I’m never present and never listen to her problems but I think she and I both know that she holds back. She says that all the time. I just want her to let me listen. I promise I would listen if she would just let me.

Mass, on the other hand, was good. I probably need to start going to mass everyday because I pretty much get a constant sense of peace from it. With it being ash wednesday, I ended up going with Joe who called this morning/afternoon for a ride there. I told him i was going at 5:30 but that later got changed to 6 and then showed up to pick him up around that time. We got to the church after they were out of missalettes. It was a good service. But it was also pretty difficult, I won’t lie. From the occasional glances during poignant parts of the message and us singing songs like “Hosea” which talks about waiting for someone to return to your dwelling. agh. I sorta cried a lot during that one. It’s going to be a difficult friendship, but I still sincerely hope that there is one. I was talking to ReAnne yesterday at lunch about how I’m not going to apologize again until I know what direction the apology is in. I mean, I’m sorry. Absolutely. Sincerely. Sorry. But that doesn’t mean a whole lot coming from me right now. I’m acting all willy-nilly and I know it. At least if I were behaving in a way which seemed consistent I could direct the apology meaningfully. It’s just difficult because we’ve meant so much to each other. And this whole being enemies thing just doesn’t feel right.

I’m feeling better and less depressed right now. I think I just realized that I probably do matter and that I shouldn’t dwell on feeling like I don’t matter. When I get home, if this migraine is gone, I’m going to paint a little and then go to bed early so I can get up to research. Bearman called to tell me that everyone in the history department really cares about me and that I should call him or Morse if I need anything. He made it clear to me what he was talking about. So there’s that. And I promised that I would call him. And I don’t break promises to him so no one needs to worry. And really, I’m feeling better. Except for the migraine.

• Category: Journal