lloyd, i'm ready
i woke up yesterday and didn’t want to die. while it cannot be said precisely how this happened, i think it most assuredly had to have been something awesome which took place in my sleep. Maybe it was the long conversation I had with Joe that night. Or maybe it was just the part where I slept until I woke up. No one can tell for sure.
this morning, i woke up, with my new, shorter haircut for the first time and delighted in the smushy reality of my having short and curly hair. i look like a crazy person. i can’t even explain what my bangs are doing… but i will try: they are smushed so that in parts they stand straight up away from my scalp but then they curl back down and form a geometrically enviable square over my forehead. fucking right. i rock. they gave me this brush thing cos i bought like 75 dollars worth of product at the salon yesterady. maybe i’ll try to use that. but then. how can it tame this?
kyle is at willamette this weekend for debate. for some reason, i get sad and miss him even more. this could be because he doesn’t get the chance to call/text as much as usual (if point loma was any indicator which it may not have been because we were not really dating then) but more than likely it’s because if ever he leaves carbondale my little brain thinks it should be to come and see me. oh golly 🙂
my mom and i had a long talk about him and everything last night that i think was really positive. the talk began: “do you feel dirty when you sleep with boys you know you don’t love?” nice start, mom. my answer was no. and i explained why. and then she was like “well, i’m glad you don’t feel dirty… but i could never have done that.” and we talked about modern morals and stuff of the sort. and how i’ve just never really thought that i’d save myself for marriage. even when i was going to purity conferences… i was like “meh, no one is going to wait for me…” and that’s basically true. even the boys i’ve met who CARE about that don’t wait. so hrm. this discussion was really last night’s topic area though, not todays… it was just really nice to talk to mom. really, i love when i can go to her for advice.. and hopefully i’ll feel like i can now cos for the last 3 months or so i’ve really felt like she’s emotionally unavailable. a lot of that is just her approach to our conversations though. she’s just so lectury and makes me feel likea child which i really don’t want. and then i get defensive right away and the conversations never go anywhere. so i’m hoping last nights talk reversed that.
i also heard from steve in france. it was weird because i was meeting tim for coffee and then steve called as i was stepping out of the car. how fun! so i talked to steve for about 15 minutes or so and then passed the phone to tim who spoke for a little while. seemed like a good time to me. tim and i had a good time bitching about the state of our lives and being excited about the good parts too. hopefully i’ll start seeing more of tim. he’s a good guy.