Mango instead of bananas
today has been a really slow but productive day. i overslept through researching again. I remember waking up to my alarm (the second time it went off) at 8:09 and turning it off and laying down and thinking “i’m going to fall back asleep i should get out of bed now.” instead of doing that… i just fell back to sleep and woke up at like 9:10, pissed. i wandered around my room and showered and left for class at 10:35 and when i was about 10 minutes from on-time, Brandon called and said that class was cancelled. I drove around Topeka pondering the delicacies of life and thinking about my feelings and what they all point to and then i decided to use my extra time to clean my car. So I cleaned the front half of my car and organized the back half so that I can hopefully clean it really easily tomorrow. The ammount of trash I accumulate in my car is just impressive.
I met gabe for lunch which was pretty awesome. I do this thing where I hardcore crave El Mezcal if I don’t eat there at least once a week. So the week was about to expire and I obviously needed my enchiladas and rice. delicious. we talked about his relationships and my relationship and our families. It’s always nice to catch up with him.. though it’s odd how we now have so little in common despite the ammount of time that we dated. until Joe, he was my longest consecutive-month relationship. bizarre. we were so young then. and i’m glad we still get along now. i don’t mean for that paragraph to seem like i don’t enjoy spending time with him or anything. i think it’s more accurate to say that our lives don’t intersect much anymore. that’s a more proper wording at least.
after mezcal i went to meet with John for therapy/newmeds. i talked to him about my manic episode and explained my fears and stuff. he pointed out that i still am really circular when it comes to answering questions. i think at least a part of that circularness comes from feeling like i need to give him a lot of background. he says that i’m obviously smart and the only real problem with my brain is that i can make logical leaps and not really realize it. he says that sometimes i come to the wrong conclusions and thinks that’s really what happened last week. i really like john a lot. it’s good to finally have someone who i can talk to about what goes on in my head who can help and all of that. and i actually trust him to give me medicines and the like. today we decided that i’ll give this atypical antipsychotic a whirl. i’m excited to not have to worry about the moodswings and hopefully it works out pretty well. if not… there’s a whole lot of atypical antipsychotics that i can try. so whee. i’ll start these ones tomorrow morning and see where it goes from there.
after my therapy, i headed to the kshs to research. my research went really well. i’m excited for this paper to be complete. i’m a little nervous i won’t get it done in any way that borders on complete… but that’s alright. he’s only grading till he reaches a fourth error anyway.
i am falling in love with kyle. i realized that driving around today. or else i realized that last weekend when i was nestled in his arm watching 24 and snuggling. it was just the way his arm felt across my back. i knew that this was what was happening. and today i was driving around and listening to imogen heap and thinking about him. and it just… is happening. and i’m afraid of it. because i don’t know what it means. but i want it to mean a whole lot. and i don’t want to rush it. i mean, it feels like the most normal, natural thing. but i know that im still not quite ready to let someone be joe to me. although, i’m also ready to let someone start to mean what joe meant/means to me. and i want love to mean something. i think when i go see him this next weekend i’m going to start the conversation about love while we’re still sober. and then we can talk about what we think it means when we say ‘i love you’ and i can talk about my concerns about love. and then maybe we’ll express it
on the phone he keeps hinting that he wants to tell me he loves me.. but he’s also really drunk whenever he brings it up. thus the making it a sober conversation. i think sometimes he just needs to be shitfaced to talk about feelings, which I can handle. But i sort of want to have the talk in real life. because I am finding myself more fond of him everyday.