are you feeling better now?

I’m feeling so much better today than I have been the last few days. Something about the alcohol last night just lead to a complete breakdown and I finally let go of those tears I’ve been holding back for days and days and months and years in some cases. I’m really glad Kyle was there to talk to, it turns out that any doubts I had about his ability to handle me when i’m crazy were completely unfounded. So anyway. I was outside with Kyle and Dudley and then I started coughing from the cigarettes and that made me sick combined with the alcohol didn’t help so I went inside so it didn’t happen again. Then, I decided it would be a good idea to email Madeline and just tell her everything I feel about the friendship we currently don’t have. I’m glad I did that. But at the same time, by the time Kyle came into the hotel I was sobbing. So he just sort of talked to me and I opened up about how much I hate that everyone who says they love me is also very mean to me sometimes. and How i hate that i just excuse everything everyone does to me that sucks on the basis of being like “well…. fuck… whatever… they’re (insert excuse for behavior here)” and i just wish i’d quit doing that. It was a good talk. About how I hate how much I try to be perfect and I’m never actually perfect.

I think I woke up with a new understanding of love. I think Joe was right when he accused me of not knowing what love was. But I think I was right to be offended because I did know what love was supposed to be I just was really jaded about it. I think I’ve lost that jadedness. I think I know what love is. And I don’t think I think it’s my problem anymore that love meant saying I’m a whore. I just feel like if you loved me then you’d know me and you’d know that I’m not a whore. You’d understand what it is I’m doing and going through and whatever. You’d know that my behavior isn’t even that bad.

I guess last night was a rough one. But I think I came out all the better. It was good catharsis.

• Category: Journal