I've seen the hardest people soften in the spotlight
Last night was interesting to say the least. I was designated driver because I felt more like driving to lawrence and remaining sober than I did drinking. For that reason, I only consumed a margarita at around 10:35 p.m. that was weak enough to serve to a child. But what do you expect for 2 dollars at the B-Dubs that you’re pissed about eating at because you wanted something less greasy and you wanted to be there much earlier? Agh. I guess that’s just the way it all works out sometimes…. So I guess the big problem of the night was that I decided it wouldn’t be that bad of an idea to take James and Mle together. The thing is, their relationship is really complicated because of the last five years times this weekend and my relationship with her is somewhat complicated because of my relationship with him… that is… we’ve been spending more time together because we just happen to like to be cynical about the world, and i enjoy the company of people who don’t want to fuck me. But then, that’s where the problem comes in. Because I guess we have enough of a dumbfuck history together that it doesn’t always look like maybe we’re only up to innocent things when we spend time together, but I assure you there isn’t anything like that. He’s focused on things that do not pertain to women right now and I’m doing everything I can to keep Kyle which means that our companionship with each other doesn’t even have sexual undertones in it. But good luck convincing emily of that. So I don’t really want to say no when she asks for a ride because I don’t want her to feel like I’m choosing James over her or like there’s something going on between James and I that we would need to hide from her… so she goes with us to the party in Lawrence. Mostly, it wasn’t that bad until the end of the night when people got upset. But that calmed down somewhat on the ride home and maybe it’s just easier to let stuff all out.
When I got home, I was happy because Kyle was still awake for me to vent to. And he got to talk about his conversation that night which I think really needed to happen and will be good for him and good for me and good for our relationship. I really like that he stands up for me in situations, it means a whole lot. It’s nice to never doubt that my boyfriend only thinks the highest of me. And also that he’ll forgive me for things in our past and understand that he has things in his past too that are maybe less than favorable and that I just don’t really care about them because we’re together now and that’s what matters. I also got to read his blog entry which is about how fantastic we are for each other and how incredibly happy we make each other. I’m so happy he feels the same, I can’t even explain it.
I’m so caught up in how emotionally open and honest our relationship is. It means a lot to me that we can have those sorts of conversations and I don’t realy worry about him expecting more out of me than just humanity. And, at that, he thinks I’m pretty great and I think likewise about him. After reading his blog entry, I really opened up to him about how I feel about him. And about the elements of my past that make it unlikely that I feel this way about another human being. There’s just something about him that I fundamentally trust. and I keep looking back to that blog entry he had after the first weekend I spent with him in Carbondale and realizing that it’s only been getting better. And that thing he said about being excited to get to know me and to get to know himself only gets more and more true every day. I love learning about him and coming to really know him in the deepest sense, and I love that he gets to figure me out and that he does a pretty decent job at it. He’s fantastic. And he treats me like a capable human being. I guess that should seem a bit absurd to feel like I haven’t received that kind of treatment but after learning that you’re too crazy to date… you get a little sensitive about other people thinking that you’re somehow more fragile.
I don’t want to be defined by my being bipolar. Sure, it means sometimes I don’t get out of bed for a week or a month. Sometimes I withdraw almost completely from the social groups that I care about and then have to come back to it like What the fuck did I just do. I also sometimes spend money irrationally, make poor and impulsive decisions and hurt people without understanding the full consequences of my actions. Sometimes I have panic attacks that leave me hyperventilating and crying or puking. But he handles all of that. And he doesn’t think less of me because of it. He just says the right things and talks me through it. And even when he’s mad at me while I’m having a panic attack… he doesn’t respond to it like it’s some ploy or something I’m doing for attention. He just sorta let’s me deal with it and get through it. And I really respect that about him. Because I need to be treated like an adult. I’m not that fragile. And in the end I do a decent job sorting myself out and talking out the things that need to be talked out with the people that I care about. I love that he finds me rational and understands my logic and rationality. It makes it so much easier to behave that way around him.
I’m satisfied. I think things are looking up. And I’m supposed to hang out with the squad this weekend, so we’ll see how that goes.