Everyone knows, Jess loves awkward

Today I get home sort of anticipating a lecture/fight about my financial situation with my mom. Instead, I am delighted by some of the most hilarious conversations of my week.

First, I walk through the door and mom’s watching the news. They’re talking about this Virginia Tech shooting which is of course captivating the country because it’s so sad. And it’s just weird. It’s weirding me out because I’m so desensitized to these sorts of things. Probably because lots of people die every day and we always hear it on the news. Either that or all that Zoo Tycoon DS that I play has me unconcerned with humans. Anyway. I walk in and talk to mom about that for a little while. Her remark is “that’s why you have to be careful about who you date.” What could that possibly mean? I try to inquire about what it is that she’s suggesting and she doesn’t really have much of an answer. I think she just thinks it’s likely that I’ll pick the kind of guy to shoot up my dorm and the engineering building if I break his heart. Tsk tsk. I’m just going to try not to break any hearts. What a strange, strange woman.

I’ll warn you that the next conversation is not for the faint of heart or the remotely prude.

Second, my dog destroyed my vibrator while I was in Canada. This isn’t that surprising because she destroys all of my nice things when she’s mad at me and when I leave the country she gets mad at me. She has a tendency to go for things she knows I’ll be more upset about… IE expensive panties… et cetera. But this week I apparently had that within her range when she goes through my closet. I have a suspicion that she goes through my closet and sorts things so they’re easily destroyable whenever I sleep somewhere other than home. What a bitch. So i have some forewarning of this because I come home and find the battery pack/speed adjuster back on the floor. Sammie is in my room at this point probably delighting in her realization that she can sleep instead of staying up all night slaying Francesca and I look at her and go “you are such a bitch. why did you do that?” she just grins. and i say “i can’t believe you.” and then she starts growling because she doesn’t like getting attention without affection. I was kind of hoping that would be the end of it. Of course… with my family… it’s not.

It was a really nice day out. Like 74 degrees on my way into work which means probably about 80 at the day’s peak. I go into the dining room after eating my delicious dinner of tofu and udon because muffin is being all dancy. Combined with the look of fresh cut grass outside, Muffin convinces me to go out and play with him. Plus, Samarama has refused to come inside most of the day because she loves the weather. So I go outside and toss a stuffed animal that Sam has destroyed around with Muffin. Sammie refuses to play at first because she’s trying to dissect a different toy but eventually knowing that Muffin is winning gets to her and she joins us. We play for about 15 or 20 minutes and then I head in and talk to my parents about how they’ve gotten lazy.

This is where things go terribly awry. So my parents start talking about how Sammie destroys everything. And how she missed me a whole lot. Then mom asks if she usually runs all over the room all night. I say that I don’t know because I just sleep through it, but that I wouldn’t be surprised. Mom and Dad remark that they didn’t sleep at all when they slept in my room to keep the dogs quiet because the dogs kept running all over and Sammie kept destroying my things. This is where I start to get awkward because I know because I can’t find anything but the battery pack cap of Francesca that they surely have to have found it and thrown it away. Then Mom just brings it up… “She also destroyed something else of yours.” Me: “Yeah, I figured as much.” Mom: “…which I threw away.” Me: “That’s cool.” Mom:”because i figure that makes it unsanitary.”

At that point. I decided the conversation would be over. So I went back to my room. Giggled. And called Kyle to tell him the story. His response was something along the lines of “Well… I mean… They had to know that you… That’s weird.”

HAHAHAHAHAHA.

Again, the good news is. I love awkward. Love, love, love, love, love awkward.

• Category: Journal