Oh, and we carried it all so well as if we got a new position
Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell/Saying yes, this is a fine promotion/Oh, and I laugh all the way to hell//Of course everyone goes crazy/Over such and such and such/We made ourselves a pillar/We just used it as a crutch/We were certainly uncertain/At least I’m pretty sure I am/Well we didn’t need the water/But we just built that dam
So, I’m back with more as I promised. Things without Kyle are getting a bit easier, I think. Or at the very least I’m adjusting and doing my part to not get depressed about it. I’ve been going out a lot… Thursday night I went out with Mle and then James/Gabe. Last night, I got very drunk at the bar formerly known as the Goose Too with Joey. Turns out shots named after the Porn industry are a great way to start the night. Tonight I’m going to a party at Barbi’s cos I don’t feel that well and don’t want to venture to Lawrence in this terrible rain. Tomorrow, James is going to dinner at my parents cos they owe it to him and I’m going to spend the day by the pool where my brother works with momma then do dinner and then James and I are going to see Superbad. All in all, I think my life is pretty fantastic. Which makes me so happy. And I’m a little less excited about school starting than I was the other day, but I bet I’ll get over that. 9 a.m.-12 a.m. is just a very long day. Very. Very. Long.
Oh, and I know this of myself/I assume as much for other people/Oh, and I know this of myself/We’ve listened more to life’s end gong/Than the sound of life’s sweet bliss//Was it ever worth it?/Was there all that much to gain?/Well we knew we missed the boat/And we’d already missed the plane/We didn’t read the invite/We just dance at our wake/All our favorites were playing/So we could shake, shake, shake, shake, shake
I promised a continuation though, didn’t I? Here goes. I think I need to talk about Joe a bit, specifically because he’s leaving soon and we’re still not friends. I don’t remember what profound things I was going to say the other night, but right now I guess I’m just apologetic. And probably that’s how I was a few days ago, as well. Tuesday would have been our two-year anniversary and this november would’ve been the three-years as best friends marked. But we are neither in a relationship nor are we friends let alone best ones. This summer has given me a lot of time to think/dwell/reach closure on that subject. At first I was so sad about it, but I knew it was how it had to be… both because I think we were being unfair to ourselves… all that time we spent together was just confusing. Because I don’t think you kill love, you just breed resentment. And we’d gotten very good at resenting each other. And it was also certainly unfair to Kyle and Morgan/Whitney/Alicia/Jacquelyn/whoknowswho. Kyle’s really understanding that I’m going to have exes who are still a part of my life. He’s met the vast majority of them… either cos he knew Steve and Joe before we dated, or because Jarred was back in town, or Jarod came by, or Brian was at the John Mayer concert too or whatever whatever. But even if he’s understanding about that, Kyle shouldn’t have to be understanding about me calling him crying because I still cared too much about what Joe thought. And sometimes things that happened got blown out of proportion, sometimes intentionally. I don’t know. I think I was just afraid to lose my friend. And honestly, it’s been hard that that happened but my biggest regret is that I didn’t do it sooner. Because I think that if he’d forced me to cut him off when I was treating him like shit or if I’d have just gone away when I couldn’t get my act together enough to be a decent person to him then we’d maybe have a friendship now. And maybe, maybe I’m wrong. But it’d have been worth the gamble since this is what we got anyway. At the very least, maybe I’d have been less bitter in the end, and him too.
Tiny curtains open and we heard the tiny clap of little hands/A tiny man would tell a little joke and get a tiny laugh from all the folks/Sitting drifting around in bubbles and thinking it was us that carried them/When we finally got it figured out that we had truly missed the boat
I think I reached the point after about a month of intentionally not speaking where it just occurred to me that I’d be ready to sit down and apologize. I no longer look at our relationship as mostly his fault. Or as… I don’t know. Whatever it is that I used to think i don’t think the same anymore. I think I’ve grown up a lot in regards to that. I think he was capable of giving me more emotionally than he did, being there more, knowing me more. And I think I felt worthless because I felt like he wouldn’t do those things for me… and it frustrated me cos I knew he was capable of it. But I didn’t communicate hardly anything to him for the last six months or so because I figured it would just cause a fight and that would be devastating and leave me confused about what had happened. He was a much better debater than I was. So things ended. And pretty much everything after that point with few exceptions was my fault. And I was being a bitch. And I wish I would’ve stopped that sooner (read: never done it at all).
Oh, and we carried it all so well/As if we got a new position/Oh, and we owned all the tools ourselves/But not the skills to make a shelf with/Oh, what useless tools ourselves
I guess I’m just left with this lingering sense of… i wish i’d have handled that differently. But I’ve learned from it, and I don’t think I’d do it again. But we always think that, don’t we? And I just kind of wish I had the ability to say I’m sorry. And to pretend to be a grown-up.