From the stupor of our hangovers

Lilia tagged me in this typical blog thing where the writer is supposed to post eight things about themselves. I’ve decided that since I’m due for a blog anyway, I like revealing things, and I’ve been meaning to have lots of deep conversations with the world I should respond with a new entry that follows the rules. Also, I’ve decided that I should keep a serious tone about it as opposed to the unserious tones I’ve used in the past.

There are “rules”- Post the rules before you give the facts. Post eight random facts about yourself. At the end of your blog post, you need to tag eight people and list their names. Leave the people you tagged a comment on their blog, letting them know that they’ve been tagged.

1. I ring shop, almost every day. (Figured I’d start with a shocker). The thing is, I don’t even know why I do this. I guess because Kyle’s nervous about having to buy one is how it started cos I don’t want a diamond and I don’t even actually want a stone. And I do want something weird and that means knowing my taste. And if I have a band for one thing I can’t have a band for the other and I don’t see why I need an engagement ring at all but Kyle’s convinced (correctly, I might add) that most girls lie about what they want in their engagement ring and he’s worried (incorrectly, I might add) that I’m one of them. So one day, innocently enough, I looked at rings. That’s when I realized that my “I don’t want a diamond or really even a stone” demands were practically just cruel. Slash. I realized that virtually everyone in this country is an unoriginal diamond craver. And while some of my anti-diamond attitude stems from my finding it odd that i’m going to get a Ph.D. in African History while wearing a diamond. Looking for someone to help me feel like less of a statistic, I sought out another opinion on the matter. Finding nothing worthwhile, I gave in to the Slate.com link on google. And I was somewhat impressed by this article by Megan O’Rourke called “The Trouble with Engagement Rings.” She raises several good points… including that I’m pretty much justified and original in not wanting a ring with a diamond. Another that I’m going to get a lot of rolled eyes when people ask to see the ring and all they get to coo over is a band. So that means I have to have confidence that Kyle will overcome this great shortage of pretty rings without diamonds. Basically, I still don’t think there’s anything better than a simple band. But it looks weird to wear two bands. So the wedding ring would have to be different. Or I’m going to have to come up with some other idea for the engagement ring. I like these websites: greenKarat has some neat ones that are kind of traditional and the carrot box has a sweet blog with lots of awesome untraditional ideas. I also like this one… cos seriously… concrete rules. As for the band thing and then a fancied up wedding ring.. rumor is that Loving Anvil will stamp HUSBAND and WIFE in a Courier Typesetting. Bad. Ass.

2. Sometimes, I hate being an historian. I feel jaded and like I’ve lost my ideals. I think this is why I write outside of my field a lot, or try to. Because I just feel like I’m not doing anything other than reporting what happened without anything other than academic bias. Is it Mitchell who critiques debate because of spectatorship (and then later recants saying its good for education?) Well, I feel like history breeds spectatorship. I get frustrated that history rarely amounts to more than “a dialogue among historians” because I’ve always wanted to do more than that. I quell this hatred by thinking that maybe someday I’ll get to sit on panels. Maybe someday I’ll escape to the realm of think tanks where at least I’ll be trying to speak to someone else and they’ll just not be listening. Maybe someday I’ll jump into the NGO sector. But then, I decided to get a Ph.D. in history because I wanted to write about human interaction with great ape populations from as early as i could to as late as i could. Because I want to write for the Great Apes Project because I think they lack and could benefit from an historical analysis of these interactions. So I think about this and I realize that I just have to stay committed to what I want to do. So Boston or Minnesota… here we come.

3. I resent the clothing industry for making me think I look hotter naked. Lilia’s number one was about how she’s considering breast lifts after she has her next kid and about how her body just doesn’t fit together correctly after she was pregnant. Without having given birth to a child, I can relate. I’ve gained weight. Things look different. My hips curve differently. And despite all of those jokes that Joe made about how I’d gotten fat or the rumors that go around about how I’m pregnant or something now… I think I look good. It hurts my feelings because it’s supposed to that I now wear an XL in Mossimo (this is actually just completely fucking ridiculous. What do girls who are actually an XL wear? Misses? Cos that’s also completely ridiculous.) and sometimes I hate how my clothes were cut for these perfect mannequin bodies or something. But I’m happy with how I look when i take my clothes off. I think I look like Titian’s Venus of Urbino and I’m into that. I like my curves. So dear Old Navy, American Eagle, Target and all the other stores that advertise to me… please start making dressmakers dummies that are shaped more realistically.

4. I regret with the deepest sincerity every action that got me removed from the debate squad. But that does not justify a coach calling me a whore. And anyone who knew me the way that Kevin and Jim should have known me after that amount of time… especially as I’d had a conversation about what I was going through and they claimed to understand… should have been more understanding and approached things differently than they did. I realized at the time that a break from the debate squad would probably do both me and the squad some good. They could have just talked to me about it. I’ve left that relationship completely distrustful of most of the people who were on the squad at the time and really unsure of what sense I should make of the stories I’ve heard about who said what to get me removed from the squad. I’d go back in a heartbeat, but I’m not going to ask.

5. I feel like I’m breaking a promise to myself because Madeline and I aren’t that good of friends (or not really friends at all?) anymore.  And I can’t help believing her that she’s better off without me in her life. Plus, i feel like we’re at a standstill. I mean, really. I just don’t know what outcome between us is good for both of us. I can say that I liked it that she seemd to approve of Kyle this summer and I liked that we could get along and talk because in the end she does know me better than most anyone and I do desire her confidences, and I like to know what’s happening in her life and I like to be there for her, but I just can’t justify myself to her when she asks me to. I don’t feel like that’s my job to do. And it trudges up memories of all those phone calls I spent crying on a floor somewhere trying to talk her into believing in my love for her. So this is all that’s left… a long series of poems that could be strung together if someone were capable of writing transitions between the styles of my youth and the styles of right now. Or if someone could sort through everything which has faded into meaninglessness and somehow assign it a value that glimmers. And I’ve stopped being cryptic because I’m now afraid that no one will be able to read between the lines.

6. When I leave Topeka, there are some people I will miss very much. I know that I’ve spoken before about how I feel like this last year in Topeka would be written as a single sentence in the novel of my life.  But, the truth is, lots of really awesome things are happening and I’m excited to be around.

7. I’m happy with my schedule for work and school. My work life is back to good again.  I’m getting just enough hours at the family video to make it worth employment (the opposite was the case through most of september) and not too many hours such that i end up really stressed out with no time to do anything (such was the case last week) and it’s nice to have the money to pay the bills.  It’s also pretty nice because I’m actually economically sufficient.  Tim needs me to pay some bills I owe him this month and I’ll be able to do it and still make rent.  That feels awesome.  I like feeling like I am not going to fail.

8. I’m the kind of person that struggled for five things which people don’t know.  I like being open about my life.

I’m supposed to tag some more people, but I don’t really know anyone who actually blogs.  So Justin, you should let us in on a little bit more of your life.  Otherwise, if someone feels inspired to take on the task of writing eight things… let us know via comment.

• Category: Journal