Distance has no way of making love understandable
I hate being this far away from Kyle. We’ve both been really busy this week, or mostly since Wednesday, he’s been really busy this week and I feel like I hardly get to speak to him. The worst part is that because we live seven hours away that whole talking-on-the-phone thing is extremely important to keeping our relationship well-oiled. I hate being lonely when I have a boyfriend. So that’s my opinion on that, basically. Just that I wish that we could just make regular time for each other, so I’d have something to look forward to instead of having to go out to fill the time in which we would usually be talking to each other. Our relationship has also hit that point where it’s now a little bit hard.
On the phone the other night we had a very tense discussion about a lot of things including travel and finances. It’s frustrating for me because I wasn’t planning on having to plan my life around someone else at age 21. But, I love him, and I love him now, so it’s alright that I have to. There’s things that I’ve ruled out because of him as far as moving away goes and there’s certainly a disadvantage to trying to live by ourselves next year because it’s going to be so expensive no matter where we’re going. He says a lot that it’ll be really expensive to move these places and I know that he’s right but I don’t think he understands how discouraging that is for me. My parents said that to me over and over during my undergraduate school-picking process and as a result I ended up at Washburn on the promise to myself that I’d put whatever money I needed to into my graduate degree. And I’m really afraid that he’s going to talk me out of it because of money. Mostly, when he brings it up, I just get really bizarrely defensive about it because I want to go where I can get the best degree or the best major professor or whatever. I want the best education I can, and I’m not willing to let someone come in the way of that but I know how I feel about him and I know that my heart really would let him come in the way of that. I guess I just leave the ball in his court and hope that he won’t pull that card.
It’s also difficult cos I’m not willing to be away from him for another year. Especially if I move somewhere really far away like Boston. I’m not opposed to the idea of taking a year off so that one or more of us can work and I can live in Kansas City for a while and maybe we could save up and have a wedding… but that’s sort of a bad option for him cos what would he end up doing after that, plus I’d lose my mom and dad’s insurance so it would sort of force a wedding, assuming he had insurance at whatever job he got if i didn’t at mine.
When it comes down to it, I’m so excited to have him to take with me. It’s just hard to adjust to this having some reason to not be selfish about major life decisions. I think that’s the kind of selfishness that we’re allowed… we go where’s best for us in hopes of finding other people who have the same interests as us and hopefully they’ll be whats best for us. But I already know he’s best for me. I already know that even though its hard now and we fight a little more when we’re together because we want it to be easier to be apart that I want it to be hard with him only. Cos it would be hard with anyone, right? And there’s just not a single other person in the world that compares to how he treats me. I believe that. I feel like I’ve grown up a lot in the last year, and realistically, I have. But I’m pretty sure we’re also still twenty-one and invincible.