maybe i'll just keep growing younger with you
kyle’s been in town for four days now and i just can’t begin to say how happy i get to have him around. he’s completely wonderful, and we’re completely in love. i’ve just never enjoyed someone’s company so damn much. it’s strange. we sleep sometimes in the morning and i climb out of bed and find a book and climb back into bed and then we watch football all day and hang out with our friends and i can’t think of a single thing i’d rather do. or we don’t sleep in and i go to class and climb back into bed with him and read until i fall asleep again and he wakes me up from my nap and then we play fight until i’m out of my grumpy mood. and we’re cute. and playful. and i attack him with sharks sometimes and then giggle at my cleverness. he is ideal.
and then we go out with my friends sometimes or his friends othertimes and it becomes completely obvious to everyone that we are a pair. i read about duprasses today. for those of you not familiar with the genius of Kurt Vonnegut or just not his lesser works, a duprass is a two person karass according to Bokonism which is the religion of the narrator of Cat’s Cradle and a karass is a group of people who are put together to accomplish some task for God but they are unaware of the specifics or even the existence of their mission. so we are like a duprass. and everyone is noticing.
we’ve been watching grey’s anatomy… like most shows on tv i didn’t know it existed until it was a season and a half in and i didn’t see a single episode until sunday night. i really like most of the characters but i also think that it’s stupid and unrealistic. it’s also pretty mindless. you’d think that eventually people would want to stop sleeping with everyone they worked with. but who knows. one of the episodes we watched involved adoption, from the perspective of mother-who-gave-child-up-for-adoption. eek. i got sort of really upset watching it. i can’t exactly say why. i just feel like there’s this part of me that i can’t explain to people that they don’t relate to. and while i think it’s a beautiful thing what she did, i’m also not sure that i’d ever want to meet her. and sometimes i think that would be a good idea but a lot of the time i think it would be a terrible one. and i wouldn’t want to be disappointed by what i found. and i don’t know that i care to add her to my life, i think i would just want to say hi and that i’m okay and that i appreciate it, you know. it’s weird. being separated from someone who you’re genetically related to.
this is the first november i’ve had in college where i’m not dramatically re-inventing myself. i’m not leaving j, i’m not involved in some scandal involving a bottle of svedka and a couple questionable decisions, i’m not trying to leave joe or work things out with steve, i’m not involved involed in some scandal involving a freshman and a couple questionable decisions. i’m just… who i was in october. and a little better put together, a little less stressed out than in years past. which is nice. i was listening to the hold steady* today and realized that the song “first night” sort of explains me in the context of my past: “Holly’s insatiable, she still looks incredible/But she don’t look like that same girl we met/on that first night/when she was golden with floorlight and beer/on that first night/she slept like she’d never been scared//And then last night/She said “Words so long never could save us.”/And then last night/She cried and she told us about Jesus//Holly’s inconsolable/Unhinged and uncontrollable/’Cause we can’t get as high as we got
on that first night.” I’m glad I’m golden with floorlight and beer again. It’s much better than alternatives which I have explored to varying degrees.
speaking of being golden with beer, i’m doing that not-getting-drunk thing i did last year again. hopefully this year sobriety doesn’t end with a trip to the hospital. lol, at lunch today Kyle asked me what our plans were for Christmas and I said that I was hoping that as long as Christmas doesn’t involve me laying in bed all day and thinking about suicide it will probably be okay.
*note: i don’t ever remember the difference between the Hold Steady and the Hush Sound. So when I was looking for some songs to check out on the album of the Hold Steady… I asked Kyle if he liked the Hush Sound. He started talking about the differences between their albums and how he had both and blah blah blah this was how I was able to discern that the Hush Sound is the shitty emo band that I’m not interested in and the Hold Steady is the shitty hipster band that I am interested in. 🙂 I laughed about it on the inside. But seriously, I kind of like that Kyle’s not as pretentious about music as I am. It means that we’re not constantly having some sort of power struggle about who’s music is more scene.