the parting of the sensory
it seems that lately the only thing i want to blog openly about are my dreams. i have strange ones. i have dreams about unsolvable addictions. walking into every room to find people with pills boiled down into a substance injectable into their veins, and that is not the half of it because i cannot begin to explain the predictive dreams, waking from a sleep that was so sound to recall that sometime a few short hours before i woke my brain decided to betray me. i dream that i’m hunted like in munich for claiming that we should never have granted diplomatic recognition to israel (i don’t even believe that when i’m awake), being dipped into little alleys that all look like the route to the bathroom at my favorite mediterranean cafe in westport, grabbed by young palestinian beauties wrapped in their best hijabs, and i don’t even full understand it. i always remember waking up at some point before so i know my dreams only get bad before i wake up. it’s strange, and a nuissance.
i’m in illinois right now, which has been nice. i’m finally starting to talk about and deal with things again. sometimes i feel like my oversensitivity toward having feelings is somewhat of a burden, you know, i can’t just suck it up and move on. but sometimes i have opposite thoughts. for the last week, the only thing i’ve been able to feel is angry. i’ve been prickly around the house because my mom broke her hip a few months ago and so during the day I have to take care of her, which is fine. she’s great about being nice about everything which is quite a pleasant change, and she tries to let me have rests and things too. it’s just i felt like all week i’d just get settled doing something relaxing and then she’d need something else. and i knew the whole time that was only my perception of it. but i don’t know, i couldn’t really have real emotions about things i probably needed to explore and so it was making me kind of impossible in every area of life. i finally broke down that gate on saturday night and now i feel much, much better. i can’t even begin to explain it. i feel like i had been carrying around an extra weight and it’s gone now and i can hold my head up a little better. i feel like making eye contact again.
school starts wednesday. i’m pretty excited to be back and at my last semester of undergraduate ever. and i’m so anxious and nervous and EXCITED to start hearing back from grad schools. my life is going in a new direction and kyle is going with me and i cannot contain myself. i want to know where it is that we’re going and what it is that we’re doing and i can’t wait to start living it all out and making new memories.